Sanford brings home silver in Jobsledding

Below: Sanford poses with an out-of-state supporter
Competitors drive economies downhill in new winter sport

B & P News – Torino, Italy

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford secured a silver medal Friday in the newest sport in the Winter Games – Olympic Jobsledding. The sport, in which competitors see who can drive a state economy downhill the fastest, is Sanford’s “second-favoritest sport in the world, next to bicycle riding.”

“It’s taken me three years to become the second best jobsledder in the world,” said Sanford in a telephone interview from Italy. “My hat goes off to Gold Medalist Mississippi. Enjoy it while it lasts.”

But not everyone shares Sanford’s enthusiasm. Critics have smeared Sanford’s second-highest unemployment performance with claims that the governor is using performance-diminishing drugs to attain such a high level of joblessness so quickly.

“When we tested the jobsledders, Sanford’s urine was found to contain large levels of doping agent,” said Olympic nutritionist/economist Boris Kryzlwnkskovsky in a press conference. “But after talking to him, I realize it may be naturally occurring in his case. We’re going to re-test it.”

Sanford says that his job performance was not aided by any foreign substances.

“I achieved this distinction based on my own inabilities, not performance diminishing drugs,” said the medalist. “Ten percent lack of inspiration, ninety percent lack of perspiration. Seven percent unemploymentation.”

The Governor is the second South Carolina political entity to earn a medal in Torino. Last week, former Sanford spokesman Will Folks earned a bronze in “gurling,” another new sport which features male competitors pushing a girl across a length of ice towards a piece of furniture.

Colorblind merchant inadvertently opens "green dot" liquor store

"Your kidding me, right?" asks storeowner. "That's green? Shit."

B&P News - Swansea

In what may be a South Carolina first, local colorblind businessman Steve Enfinger recently opened a "green dot" liquor store on Highway 321.

"I don't know how it happened," Enfinger said Tuesday. "When the Sheriff pointed it out, I was like 'You're kidding me, right?'"

South Carolina law requires a red dot to be displayed on the outside of buildings that distribute spirits. The red dot traces its origin to circular Coca-Cola signs, which were subsequently painted full crimson to indicate alcohol sales.

Sheriff Moot Flair was sympathetic to Enfinger, but asked him to repaint the dots by week's end. "That poor bastard," stated Flair. "You should have seen the look on his face. He said, 'That's green? Shit.' I laughed my ass off. "

This was Enfinger's second setback due to color-blindness, or Daltonism, this year. In May, the businessman inadvertently baked his wife a green velvet cake for her birthday.

(10/18/05)

This blog is too new to have "vaults" to plunder, but over the next couple days I thought I'd share some posts from the early days of Barbecue & Politics... Enjoy!

Christian Exodus assails Gaffney Peachoid

Below: Gaffney's Peachoid water tower
Homo-erotic pornography has no place in SC skyline , says leader

B & P News - Gaffney

Christian Exodus, the upstate organization that seeks to establish a government of fundamental Christian values, has cited its first objective -- the demolition of the Gaffney "Peachoid."

"That ain't no water tower," said the group's president, Ted Flinch. "It's flat-out porno, and it has no place in the Carolina sky. Why do you think my son's so gay?"

Flinch's four-month old son had no noticeable reaction to the comment, but Gaffney residents have been quick to defend their peach-shaped water tower, erected in 1981.

"Yeah, it kind of looks like a hiney or whatever," said Emma Jean Broadus, owner of the Broadus Pharmacy and Gun Shop on Main Street. "But so do real peaches. At least they didn't put the fuzz on it."

In a press release issued on late Saturday, Flinch stated that Christian Exodus will boycott public water supplies until the Peachoid is removed or covered.

While the opposition is not expected to result in the Peachoid's removal, it could present problems for another water tower currently under consideration in the city. A public hearing for the "Shroom-oid" -- a backup tower shaped like a thick-stemmed mushroom with a bulbous cap -- is scheduled for next month.

(10/30/2005)

‘Henry McMaster facts’ craze sweeps internet

Below: McMaster, whose tears cure
cancer. Too bad he never cried.
McMasterisms typically assign super-human qualities to Attorney General

B & P News - Columbia

The South Carolina Attorney General’s Office hardly seems a likely source of the next hot trend, but that hasn’t stopped the grass-fire proliferation of a new internet phenomenon -- “Henry McMaster facts.” These McMasterisms, as they are also known, are typically extreme exaggerations about the Republican Attorney General that are created, compiled, and circulated in internet forums such as fansites and weblogs.

And their popularity seems to be growing exponentially. One example is the popular website McMasterpiece.com, which reports the following Henry McMasterisms:

Henry McMaster has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

Henry McMaster once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Henry McMaster.

Henry McMaster once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.

Some analysts believe McMaster’s persona as a crimefighter contributes to his elevation to hero status, especially among students. The epicenter of this particular trend seems to be an offshoot of the University of South Carolina College Republicans that calls itself McMaster Beta Epsilon (MBE).

“Internet fads like the recent ‘Henry McMaster facts’ obsession often take root on college campuses,” said USC social science professor Chris P. Kareem. “I’m not surprised that the McMaster Betas were the instigators of this particular mania.”

The MBE website features what is probably the most comprehensive list of McMasterisms, including the following :

Henry McMaster knows the last digit of pi.

When Henry McMaster wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Henry McMaster is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Henry McMaster isn't black," then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

Henry McMaster can make a woman climax simply by pointing in her direction and saying “boo-ya.”

When Henry McMaster falls in water, Henry McMaster doesn't get wet. Water gets Henry McMaster.

Sources close to the Attorney General say that he is unaware of the phenomenon and his cult status among thousands of McMaster enthusiasts. Most say his reputation takes a back seat to simply doing his job well.

“Any time Henry McMaster spends on the internet is time spent cracking down on online predators,” said McMaster spokesman Trey Walker. “When he finds them, he stalks and destroys them with extreme prejudice. That’s why he drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.”

Sanford delivers "economic good news"

Below: Sanford shares details of
"economic windfall" for Palmetto State
Governor to save a ton of money on his car insurance

B & P News - Columbia

Despite having a the second-highest unemployment rate in America, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford expressed optimism Wednesday about an economic boon that could jump-start his sagging approval rating and his bid for re-election in the June GOP primary.

“I know a lot of people, particularly unemployed ones, get depressed about the state’s floundering, forty-ninth ranked economy,” said Sanford in a press conference. “But I’m here to deliver some terrific financial news: I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO.”

Economic analysts question whether the savings of around 15% or more - the result of a 15-minute call from the Governor’s Office - will translate to any sort of tangible benefit to the state’s economy. Sanford says that the insurance savings prove that he is doing an adequate job as governor, despite his "Achilles heel" of "leadership, the economy, and education."

“Perhaps I’m not a great governor, or a good governor, or even one of the top 47 governors in the country,” said Sanford. “But I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night.”

A messenger for Bessinger

Growing up in West Columbia, I always considered Maurice Bessinger a sort of father figure. I’ve mentioned before that my tee-ball team was sponsored by Piggie Park, and I considered Little Joe, the illuminated cartoon pig who monitors the intersection of Charleston Highway and Airport Boulevard, to be one of the Seven Wonders of West Columbia.

But the name Bessinger is synonymous with barbecue in the Lowcountry, too. Octogenarian Melvin, whose son David now runs Melvin's Bar-B-Que in Mount Pleasant, is the oldest living Bessinger restaurateur -- a word which surprisingly lacks an n. His relationship with his Midlands-based younger brother, best as I gathered from reading “The Story of Melvin’s Legendary Bar-B-Que” and Defending My Heritage: The Maurice Bessinger Story, has been strained, to put it lightly.

Each Bessinger claims to have been promised the family biz in Holly Hill by father Joe, after whom each of the brothers has named a sandwich. According to Melvin’s story, “Melvin’s father asked him on his death bed to run the famous restaurant after he passed away.” This was 1949.

According to Maurice’s account of his teen years, “I’d never given such matters much thought, but Daddy said to us that ‘Maurice will get the business…’” This was 1947.

Each claims their sauce is the secret family recipe. Says Melvin’s, “His father gave him at the age of 10 years old the Golden Secret Recipe and how to cook the hogs in the ground as well as other family recipes.”

Maurice has a different account. “It was an old family heirloom. Actually, it is hundreds of years old. Daddy went on improving and refining it for the rest of his life. I inherited the recipe when I built Piggie Park Enterprises into the largest barbecue operation in the world.”

I have my own theory, called the Third Bessinger-Hunley-Lizard Man Conspiracy, but I’ll share that at another time. For now, let me say that if you find yourself in Mount Pleasant, like Gervais did last weekend, you must go get some of Melvin’s 'cue. I had the Blue Plate Special: pulled pork, the best collards I’ve had this millennium, cornbread, and cole slaw. It was great. Not a buffet, but that’s my only gripe. The cheeseburgers are supposedly world renowned, too.

Also, maybe read the Maurice Bessinger story. Even if you don’t believe that public education is an instrument of the New World Order, which is the forerunner to the anti-Christ, you might enjoy this book. Um, no, it’s not at Barnes & Noble.

Staton fails to garner coveted Will Folks endorsement

Below: Education/business
gurus Bob Staton and Will Folks
Analysts blame ‘Will Folks joke’ for non-endorsement

B & P News - Columbia

Republican Bob Staton was dealt a crushing blow this week in his campaign to become the state’s next Superintendent of Education when he failed to earn the endorsement of former Sanford spokesman and highly esteemed education/business expert Will Folks.

“I can’t endorse Bob Staton because I don’t feel he represents the Republican Party like I do,” wrote Folks in an op-ed titled 'SanFloyd for GovernaCation,' which was rejected by the State Newspaper, the Free Times, the Carolina Trader, and several computer printers. “What do business and education leaders like Bob Staton know that I don’t, as a former spokesman for prolly one of the awesomest governors ever?”

Most experts agree that the non-endorsement from Folks is a setback that could possibly take the Republican candidate moments to overcome.

“Staton will need to somehow bounce back after losing what is known in political circles as the ‘Folks Nod’,” said Francis Marion political science professor Ginger L. Blenheim. “Usually the Folks endorsement is a reliable indicator of who will get Will Folks’ vote, and unfortunately for Republican Bob Staton, it looks like this crucial demographic will go to another candidate.”

Some insiders speculate that Folks’ refusal to endorse Staton has less to do with ideology than the Education Oversight Committee chairman’s recent attempt to insert a “Will Folks Joke” into the high school science curriculum. Staton says that claim is exaggerated.

“I simply wanted our high school students to be able to critically analyze the difference between Will Folks and a neutron,” said Staton in an interview with B & P News. “The difference being, of course, that there’s no charge associated with a neutron.”

Bono lends support to SC unemployment crisis

Below: Bono tackles job creation while
Governor Mark Sanford recounts a fishing trip.
JOBS AID concert hopes to raise gubernatorial awareness of unemployment

B & P News – Columbia

Grammy-winning recording artist Bono has pledged to help alleviate South Carolina’s economic suffering by headlining a benefit concert, JOBS AID, next month. According to the U2 frontman, the goal of the benefit is to help draw international attention – and possibly even the attention of the Governor’s Office – to the unemployment crisis in the state.

“I never want to turn my back when there’s a disaster, and South Carolina’s 49th-ranked unemployment certainly qualifies,” said Bono in an exclusive interview with B & P News. “Raising awareness, particularly gubernatorial awareness, is key to solving this crisis.”

In a joint press conference, Governor Mark Sanford praised the singer for his efforts with JOBS AID, but added that South Carolina’s unemployment was due to “people from Michigan moving here” and “not really a crisis, per se.” He said that the state “has to get worse before it gets better” and that South Carolina “reports data differently than other states.”

Sanford continued that the rankings “probably don’t account for small businesses” and that “Airbus would’ve only employed a hundred workers.” He maintained that there is a “lag between jobs being created and announced” and said “let’s hear it for a great year at Commerce!” Sanford concluded his remarks with a short story about a recent fishing trip.

Replied Bono, “This is going to be a lot bloody harder than I thought.”

JOBS AID is scheduled for March 25th on the grounds of the Governor’s Mansion. Tickets are $50.

Shealy’s gets the crown

It’s a rule in the Bridges family that you don’t set foot in/near Batesburg-Leesville without getting some of the best barbecue in the history of civilization, from Shealy’s Bar-B-Que. I happened to be out that way last weekend, to judge a beauty pageant.

I know, I know…Gervais is like the John Roberts of barbecue, but a beauty pageant?

It’s actually the second time I judged this particular contest, and Gervais says, there is nothing like a rural South Carolina beauty pageant. Where else will you hear the emcee say, “Her hobbies include deer-hunting with her boyfriend,” or “mud-bogging,” or “catching crawfish in the creek in her backyard.” And no, I’m not making those up.

My favorite part about being a judge is interviewing the contestants. I asked each girl about the last book she read, and was floored when one girl said Fahrenheit 451. These were some of the brightest, most genuine, and most talented women you’ll ever meet. Easy on the eyes, too.

One of the perks of being a judge this night was that Shealy’s provided the grub, gratis. Pulled pork barbecue, fried chicken, green beans, apples & carrots, and rice with milk gravy – forgetaboutit… the apples and carrots were surprisingly good, and the rice and milk gravy might be what the next world war is fought over.

If you’re in or even near B-L, do yourself a favor and get some of Shealy’s barbecue. It’s the most beautiful product to come out of South Carolina since Kimberly Aiken.

Funny Top Ten List

Top 10 Sanford excuses for South Carolina’s second-worst-in-the-nation unemployment rate

10. Hit his head during bicycling accident, damaging the part of the brain that controls job creation.

9. It’s entirely possible that, on some level, he wanted to make younger brother Phil look like less of a failure in the eyes of their parents

8. (tie) Typographical error led administration to relentlessly pursue AirBust, whose Lee County inflatable bra factory employs a paltry seven workers.

8. (tie) Bureau of Labor Statistics counts some South Carolina jobs as "Georgia jobs," due to their location in Georgia and their workers, who are Georgians.

7. Felt obligated after high school class voted him 'Most Likely To Single-Handedly Cripple an Entire State’

6. All those unemployed people from out-of-state flocking to S.C. in search of greener pastures, you know, like in Marion County.

5. 49th ranking part of secret economic development plan to lure San Francisco-based football franchise to the state.

4. Trying to narrow SC's workforce down to a single employee, who will be named the next Apprentice.

3. Sanford thought Bob Faith was going to create the jobs, while he brought the dessert; Bob Faith thought Sanford was going to create the jobs while HE brought the dessert. You should have seen the look on their faces when they both showed up with the dessert. Priceless.

2. Swears he set his unemployment alarm for 6.9%, but it must not have gone off.

1. Recent release of Johnny Paycheck greatest hits album inspiring a disproportionate number of South Carolinians to "take this job and shove it."

Why I’m co-sponsoring H. 4347

By Rep. Drink Small (D- Bluesville)

Guest Columnist

I was born a thirsty child, never could get enough. I said I was born a thirsty child, never could get enough. Mama would breastfeed me all day long, man that breastmilk was the stuff.

She'd breastfeed me in the church, on the farm, and in the city. Talkin' 'bout she’d breastfeed me in the church, on the farm, and in the city. And nobody said a word, 'cause Mama had great big eyes and they were pretty.

One day I was being fed, while she was shopping for some shoes. That's right -- I was being fed, and she was shopping for some shoes. Shoe store owner said no way, and I got the public breastfeeding blues.

That’s why I’m cosponsorin' H. 4347, now that I'm a grown up man. I said that's why I'm cosponsorin' H. 4347, now that I'm a grown up man. Shoe store fella said Mama can’t breastfeed there, but I say yes she can.

Representative Small is a blues physician and member of the House Ramblin' Committee.

Palmetto Pig, January Highlights

Inadvertantly hip Mike Fair

I finally made my way back to the Palmetto Pig yesterday for lunch. My buddy Lucius put it best when he said, “I don’t think it’s possible to have bad meal here.”

Something I like to do, usually on my second trip to the buffet bar, is to get a little hash, some baked beans (not a lot), some rice, some cole slaw, and some pulled pork, then mix it all up and smother it with the “original sauce.” It might not sound great, but it is.

I like to experiment a little with my foods, I guess. Hannah Jane can't stand it when I make a "cornbread milkshake."

This was my first trip to the Pig in over a month, since around the time of the Kiawah Marathon. Gervais says, a month is a long time to go without the Pig’s righteous offerings. As I masticated, which sounds dirty but isn’t, I thought about how January flew by.

Best as I remember, this is what went down:

January 1st – Senator John Land records Democratic response to Sanford’s State of the State address.
January 6th – Lou Rawls dies at 72. Sanford lowers flags on state property to half mast, chastises other state governors for their lack of respect.
January 10th – First day of the 2006 legislative session. Bill introduced to “abolish property taxes forever and ever, Amen” by Rep. Travis, arguably the best baritone in the House.
January 11th – Candidates for state office disclose finances. Governor has $4.6 million campaign war chest, or roughly $100,000 for each state with better unemployment than SC.
January 12th – US Senator Lindsey Graham tries to soothe bawling wife of Alito by crooning first verse of "No Woman No Cry" at Senate confirmation hearing, earns lifetime endorsement from NORML.
January 17th – Myrtle Beach man arrested for faking his own death in 1979 to avoid paying child support. Attorney General Henry McMaster punches the man in the mouth repeatedly and issues press release about it.
January 18th – State of the State Address. Tons of praise heaped upon newest Thomas Friedman book by the Governor. Friedman is grateful, and says that of all the governors he would’ve picked to endorse his book, Sanford was “definitely in the top forty-nine.”
January 22th – Senator Mike Fair shows his aversion to church-state separation by wearing his “Jesus is my homeboy” T-shirt into the Senate chamber.
January 24th – Bureau of Labor Statistics report shows SC at 49th in joblessness. Say it to my face, BLS. That’s what I thought.
January 26th – New bill, dubbed “Put Parents in Charge II,” is introduced, but killed in committee after it is discovered the primary sponsor is “Rep. Dennis Sinned (R- Elliville).”
January 31st – First debate in Governor’s race. Sanford did not attend because of a “wardrobe malfunction” which left one of his nipples exposed.

These people should admit they’re working for Oscar Lovelace

By Anonymous Commenter

Guest Columnist


I’m sick of all these people going around not admitting they’re working for Oscar Lovelace.

Just the other day, I was reading the paper, and there’s this article by some shithead about South Carolina’s unemployment being so bad. Why is he bringing that up now, in an election year? He’s working for Oscar Lovelace, that’s why. He should probably admit this in his articles.

It reminds me of the political science professor who said Governor Sanford was “lost in space” during the State of the State address. Does Francis Marion University know this professor is moonlighting for the Lovelace campaign? They should. He should tell them. Because he is.

What are the odds that there’s a TIME magazine in Dr. Lovelace’s waiting room? Probably pretty good. They work for him. I’m just saying.

My barber, I don’t know about him. He’s been cutting my hair for years, and then all of a sudden the other day he says that Sanford’s a bad governor, credit rating, unemployment blah blah blah. Is he working for the Lovelace campaign? If you ask me, yes he is. He is working for the Oscar Lovelace campaign, and should admit it.

Come to think of it, my girlfriend’s been acting all weird lately. You know, just being real standoffish and stuff. I’m breaking up with her. No girlfriend of mine is going to work for the Lovelace campaign.

In conclusion, a lot of people out there have a lot of admitting to do, particularly about working for the Oscar Lovelace campaign. These people need to be totally honest, and ask themselves, am I employed by the Oscar Lovelace campaign? More often than not, the answer is yes, and they should admit it.

Anonymous Commenter is a freelance commenter whose area of expertise is Oscar Lovelace campaign-related employment. His previous contributions include “How much is your daddy paying you?”, "You are Ross," and “Admit you work for Oscar Lovelace.”

Primary Primer

Gervais says, the primary season is finally upon us, even if some candidates are skipping out on today's gubernatorial debate like it's an Air Force Reserve drill weekend. In order to adequately follow the slings and arrows, the barnstorming, and the visceral missives that make up party politics, I’ve compiled a glossary of the terms you need to know.

Ad hominem – This term describes an attack at the character of another politician – presumably in a state where the politicians have character which can be attacked.

Baiting – Politically, an effort by one candidate, elected official, or party to gain an advantage by placing opponents on the defensive, as in, ‘In the last Attorney General primary, McMaster baited his opponent mercilessly.’

Debate – Face-to-face discussion between or among candidates so viewers can judge them based on their qualifications, leadership abilities, and hair. As in, ‘A master debater, McMaster baited his opponent mercilessly.’

Endorsement – Term for when one politician lends his name to the support of another. An endorsement is meant to instill voter confidence in an unproven candidate, but occasionally it leaves would-be voters asking, “Who the hell is John Sununu?”

Hat in the ring – To throw one’s hat in the ring is to enter a political contest. The term comes from boxing, where throwing a hat into the ring signified a challenge. Other classic boxing terms commonly heard during political campaigns include “on the ropes,” “below the belt,” and the timeless “we wuz robbed.”

Incumbent – For several years, I assumed the little “I” in parentheses next to a candidate’s name stood for imbecile. I was only half right; it also stands for incumbent, which means the current office-holder and implies a “leg up” on one’s opponents. Interestingly, incumbent is also a synonym of lying.

Margin of error – A measure of how lazy pollsters are.

Mudslinging – Apparently, in other states, the political process has deteriorated to the point where issues such as education and unemployment are no longer the focal point of political campaigns. In these states, politicians attack each other in an act termed “mudslinging.”

Political Efficacy – The belief on the part of the individual that he or she can "make a difference" through voting, giving campaign contributions, working on a campaign, or even running for political office. Examples of a high degree of political efficacy in SC politics include the large voter turnout in Greenville County, the abundance of political volunteers in Richland County, and the multitude of large campaign donations in Broward County.

Primary – Term for when a political party decides its candidate for the general election by whatever candidate gets a majority of Katon Dawson. Some parties also use popular vote to decide.

Rhetoric – The ability to use language effectively to influence others. Used by most politicians, but not all; Jakie Knotts influences others via interpretive dance.

Straw Poll – A nonscientific poll, taken in such a slapdash fashion that any results are not truly representative of the population. I know, it does sound a lot like a primary.

Stumping – Term for making speeches, from when politicians once stood upon a tall tree stump to make their remarks. Also, the term for asking the Governor about job creation.

Experts denounce Darwinian evolution

Below: Senator Mike Fair watches as his
hand-picked experts shatter the scientific
status quo.
Esteemed scholars testify before EOC

B & P News - Columbia

The scientific community was taken aback this week as two renowned experts testified on the inadequacy of evolutionary theory before South Carolina’s Education Oversight Committee (EOC). The experts, recruited by Senator Mike Fair (R-Greenville), told the committee Monday that the unifying theory of the life sciences did not stand up to their rigorous scrutiny.

“It doesn’t cut the mustard,” said Professor Benny Hinn, sending shockwaves through scientific fields from anthropology to zoology. “For instance, how can man have evolved over millions of years if the earth is only 6,000 years old? Sounds like one Mr. Darwood wasn’t too good at mathemetrics.”

News of Hinn’s groundbreaking testimony leaked from the conference room and found its way onto the internet within minutes, causing scientists throughout the world to discard the then-accepted theory of evolution by natural selection. Hinn’s colleague, Jan Crouch, further shattered the evolutionary paradigm.

“One major flaw in modern evolutionary theory is the misidentification of human precursors,” said Dr. Crouch, who earlier signed autographs for visiting schoolchildren who confused her for a famous muppet. “For instance, where in the curriculum is the immediate forerunner to woman, the rib bone?”

Asked about the complex nature of Homo sapiens, Crouch asserted that “being a homosapien is a sin” and that “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

The only academically suspect statement of the hearing came when Hinn leapt onto the table and proclaimed that God had sent him to cure EOC Chairman Bob Staton of diabetes. Staton replied that he was not a diabetic, and Hinn returned to his seat. Later, Staton told B & P News that he in fact does have an intestinal ailment that “sounds a lot like 'diabetes',” then rushed into a restroom of the Blatt Office Building.

Fair stated that he will have more experts booked for future EOC hearings “once I get satellite TV,” and reiterated that his push for revised science standards has "nothing to do with religion."

Ford, Sanford merge to form unemployment juggernaut

Below: Governor tells a SanFord™ employee
to clean out his locker
Analysts call SanFord™ a potential ‘unemploymonopoly’

B & P News – Dearborn, Michigan

In a business deal that could reshape the unemployment industry, unemployment leader Ford Motor Company announced its merger with unemployment powerhouse Mark Sanford LLC, to form what may be the single largest unemployment provider in the country.

“We’ve had our eyes on unemployment bastion Mark Sanford LLC for a long time,” said Ford spokesman Roland Lemmon. “With his unemployment savvy on our side, SanFord™ can take unemployment to a whole new level.”

The merger was announced Tuesday morning, to coincide with Ford’s obliteration of a quarter of its workforce and the release of Sanford’s latest, comparable unemployment numbers. Sanford subsidiary “South Carolina” recently overtook rival Louisiana to post a solid 49th place finish in state unemployment rankings for December 2005.

“We simply out-underperformed them,” said Sanford via closed-circuit television at the merger announcement. “Let this be a lesson to any would-be challengers: SanFord™ will not be outdone in joblessnessfulness.”

According to some analysts, the Ford/Sanford merger could mean trouble for small unemployers.

“What we’re dealing with here is the Wal-Mart of joblessness, a vortex that consumes all employment in its path,” said USC economics professor Adam Smythe. “Expect to see small unemployers driven out of business as SanFord™ establishes its unemploymonopoly.”

Billy's BBQ Sandwich from Beezer's Gourmet Sandwich Shop

When you order from a restaurant that makes its last delivery at 2:30 AM, you know you're getting a taste of college life. Only thing is, I don't have the same constitution that I had in my "college" days. All the same, when my buddy Lucius suggested we get a delivery order from Beezer's -- near USC's Historic Horseshoe -- for lunch today, Gervais figured, "What the hell?"

Here's the menu description of "Billy's BBQ sandwich" from Beezer's:

"Slow roasted pork swimming in sweet and spicy BBQ sauce piled high atop an 8 1/2 inch sub roll, accompanied with onions, banana peppers, and cheddar/jack cheese."

After trying it, I'm a little skeptical of the "slow roasted" part. The onions and peppers gave the sandwich a little bit of a kick, though. And best of all, I didn't have to go out in the rain. But as good 'cue goes, Beezer's falls a little short.

Beezer's has franchises out in Lexington (pictured) and up in Clemson, and probably a few other places I don't know about. The other sandwiches I've tried have been great, and they deliver promptly and cheaply. Gervais says, give Beezer's a buzz... but unless you just have a "cue-to-do" list, try the Beezer Blaster or another gourmet, non-barbecue sandwich.

Primordial Primer: the terms you need to know about the origins of man

Below: Ascent of man from Homo Idioticus
(or "Alt Man") to Homo Pious Piedmontus
Today the Education Oversight Committee’s subcommittee on academic standards will listen to testimony from scientists hand-picked by Senator Mike Fair, to determine whether our science standards regarding evolution should be revised. It’s a complicated topic - it would take one decades to attain Fair’s nuanced understanding of evolutionary biology and education standards – but here are ten terms you should know if you want to keep up with what is probably the most important issue in our state, except for every other issue in our state.

Charles Darwin – A 19th Century naturalist so far ahead of his time scientifically that he patented a magnetic ornament of a fish with legs, to adhere to automobile bumpers, long before the automobile was even invented.

Genesis – Creationists believe this first book of the Bible to have a scientifically correct description of the origin of Man. Scientists argue that there is only one man whose origin in Genesis is systematically verifiable: Phil Collins.

Homo erectus – A species of hominid that lived between 1.8 million and 300,000 years ago, eventually dying off out of embarrassment for its name.

Intelligent Design – The theory that Man is too physically complex and beautiful a creature to have evolved without some divine or extra-terrestrial guidance. Disproved in 12,000 B.C. with the discovery of the scrotum.

Linnaean classification – This is what it’s called when scientists say Homo sapiens instead of “man.” Linnaean classifications are used to provide scientists with common nomenclature because they are the same everywhere. The lone exception to this rule is the Roadrunner, who is alternately called Speedipus rex, Velocitus delectibus, and Tastyus supersonicus.

Mammals – The class of animals that share characteristics such as hair/fur and mammary glands, as in the original draft of the public breastfeeding bill: “Be it enacted that breastfeeding mothers ain’t nothing but mammals, so as to provide that they may do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.”

Peking Man – A Homo erectus discovered in China in the 1930’s. Also, the reason that South Carolina is 48th in the nation in unemployment. See, there’s this book called the Flat World or something, and it says people in McCormick County are in direct competition with people in Shanghai and New Delhi and blah blah blah, etc etc…

Scopes Monkey Trial – In 1925, a young biology teacher named John Scopes taught evolution, contrary to a Tennessee statute passed by religious fundamentalists. The trial was immortalized in the classic film, Footloose, starring Kevin Bacon.

Social Darwinism – the type of Darwinism right-wingers don’t have a problem with.

Vestigial -- Any structures that have been greatly reduced in size and function over evolutionary time, to the extent that they now appear to have little or no current function. Famous examples are the Tyrannosaurus Rex’s arms, the ostrich’s wings, and John Graham Altman’s brain.

State of the State Re-Hash

The dust has almost settled on Sanford’s State of the State address, and the blogosphere has spoken as loudly and clearly as Senator John Land doing a Foghorn Leghorn impersonation. Or was that an imchickenation? Ah seh ah seh I just don’t know.

The least surprising response was from the Crunchy Republican, who thought it was perfection on a podium. She said, “With Governor Sanford, there is no put-on glitz or oratorical grandstanding.” Sanford’s the king of grandstanding, but Crunchy’s radically right on this – oratorically, he was definitely not showboating and/or demonstrating competence.

I was kind of shocked that The Body Politic was so critical of Sanford in his thinly-veiled plea to be hired as the Governor’s communications director. This was the funniest post Joshua has offered up in a long time: “Even more tedious was the dropping of around 40 legislators’ names; this wasn’t an Oscar acceptance speech.” As Sanford discussed for the fourth straight year what will probably become his legacy -- DMV wait times -- I too was wondering about Oscar’s acceptance speech.

Laurin’s post on John Land’s pre-emptively taped response caused some commenters to cry “fowl,” but ah seh I don’t see anything wrong with it. Maybe I've been watching too many detective shows, but I actually could easily tell it was pre-recorded. Major clues were the ambient light, the lack of background noise, and the fact that John Land was still awake at 8PM. Especially after that speech.

Here are Gervais' picks for the five best quotes from the State of the State address:

"Let’s not go there right now, Gilda." It’s good to see Sanford has a nice rapport with Rep. Cobb-Hunter, but “don’t go there”? That’s not even a “black” quote anymore, it’s so old. At least he didn’t tell her to “talk to the hand, girlfriend” or give her “three snaps in a Z formation.”

“I was thinking of fishing with Chip.” When your Governor loses his train of thought during the State of the State address because he’s thinking about being on a boat with his man friend, something’s wrong.

“On spending, we have got to come up with some alternative to having me try to catch-up with Governor Campbell’s record of 277 budget vetoes.” Campbell never had a GOP majority in either chamber, much less both. Sanford’s flattering himself by even making a slight comparison… one of Campbell’s boogers could recruit more jobs than the current administration has.

"Rosa Parks this, Rosa Parks that." Sanford challenged legislators to “courageously defy the status quo” like Rosa Parks did. Of course, when it was time to lower flags in Parks’ honor like the 49 other state governors, Sanford’s gubernatesticles were nowhere to be found.

"It means someone is loading up a U-haul rental trailer and leaving Michigan because they think South Carolina represents greater opportunity. In the short run, that lowers Michigan ’s unemployment rate and raises ours..." Bullshit masterpieces like this deserve their own section in the Louvre Museum. Preferring to have at least one foot firmly planted in reality, I can’t participate in the fiction that our unemployment is due to droves of bright-eyed, U-haul-driving Michiganders who see South Carolina as a land of opportunity. According to the FDIC, our job growth is third from last in the nation, just like our unemployment rate. Even though I’m allergic to Spanish moss, I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and say job growth is the real problem.

Happy Birthday, Mom! Love you!

State of the State: Unofficial Viewer's Guide

Here's what you need to know about the terms you will hear -- and some you won't hear -- during Sanford’s State of the State address tonight.

Unemployment – Sanford chokes on this word like Mama Cass eating a ham sandwich. Don’t expect to hear it. Listen for “employment situation” or “employment numbers” or “jobs picture” instead. In the last State of the State, when SC was 47th in unemployment (known by some as the “good ol’ days”) the word was used a grand total of (let’s see…carry the two) zero times.

“Sending your tax dollars into Columbia” – Sanford likes to evoke the image of garbage trucks full of cash cruising down I-26 towards Columbia. Fair enough. Nobody likes the thought of their tax dollars going to another city. However, as a point of fact, the tax money is actually sent to a warehouse in Pomaria, SC. Not many people know that.

Put Parents in Charge – Not a chance you’ll hear these words. You have a better chance of hearing Jakie Knotts sing “It’s Raining Men” a capella than hearing Sanford discuss the ill-fated legislation he crafted and fought for. See “Charter Schools.”

DaimlerChrysler – Sanford will blow the CEO of DaimlerChrysler right there in the chamber if he thinks it’ll make people forget we’re 48th in the nation in unemployment. Expect a subtle mention, like wearing a DaimlerChrysler sandwich board.

Soil Conditions - “soil conditions” is an “economist metaphor” used by “economics students” who didn’t “study for the test.” I don’t really think he’ll say “soil conditions” again, but my bullshit flag will be pre-staged in my breast pocket just in case.

Biking across the state – for the uninitiated, this isn’t a euphemism for hard work, perseverance, or for rallying support for an agenda. It’s a euphemism for riding a bicycle across the state.

“Work with the legislature…” – Sanford will extend an olive branch by ensuring that livestock carried into the State House will first be provided ample opportunity to defecate on the lawn.

Charter Schools – Charter schools were authorized in South Carolina in 1996. Education leaders like Democrat Inez Tenenbaum are not opposed to them. Still, if Sanford puts the entire weight of the Governor’s Office behind them… who knows?

China and India – A lot of people make the mistake of comparing SC’s 7.1% unemployment rate to Alabama (3.6%) or Georgia (5.4%) or NC (5.2%) or Florida (3.6%). But as any economist worth his soil conditions knows, South Carolina should only be compared to India and China. Look for Sanford to evoke these Asian countries as a reason for our unemployment crisis, no matter how well other states are doing.

Nikki Haley – The State of the State is a good chance to prove to the public that one gets along with legislators swimmingly. You never know who he’s going to mention by name, or whose name he’s learned recently. The obvious picks are Haley and McConnell, but rest assured a Democrat and an Upstater will also get mentioned -- and subjected to relentless teasing from their peers on Thursday morning.

Veteran – Sanford will recognize a Palmetto State veteran of the Iraq war, to commemorate the four-year anniversary of his joining the Air Force Reserves while running for Governor.

Jokes - Sanford is a born comedian. Expect zingers from the get-go. Some of the best from years past:

Bob Faith is someone in whom I have – well, tremendous faith. (2003)

I realize that for many of you, this is like watching paint dry… (2003)

As for me, I’m going on a bike ride across South Carolina this spring. I’ll start out in the mountains, hoping it’s more or less downhill. (2004)

Jon Ozmint led our efforts at Corrections to start our own grist mill for grits and chicken laying operation for eggs…to get to the other side! (2004 - Okay, I added that last part)

To be competitive in keeping creative people, you don’t run them over on the road. (2005)

In this chamber last year, I proposed kicking it off by riding a bike across the state… to get to the other side!” (2005 - That one he really said. Not really, though.)

Milwaukee – In a rare fit of beer-induced Turret’s Syndrome, Sanford blurted out the word “Milwaukee” twelve times in his last State of the State address. Seriously, twelve. Charleston? Once. Greenville? Zero. Columbia? Twice - the “District of Columbia” and “tax dollars into Columbia.” This year, I’m going to play a drinking game: Every time the Governor says “Milwaukee,” take a drink.

Property Tax Relief – Unlike “Milwaukee,” the term “property tax” wasn’t used in the last State of the State address. Or the one before that. Or the one before that. But those weren’t election years, and for some reason I think property taxes will become a front-burner issue while the cameras roll. Just a hunch.

The Nest passes the test

Last week I ventured out to OkraTown to try a new restaurant – Boar’s Nest Barbeque (website still under construction).

This all-you-can-eat buffet is on Broad River Road in Lake Murray Country, and it’s a first-class operation. The buffet is similar to the Palmetto Pig's, but the main difference is that Boar’s Nest planned ahead for the line of people that inevitably forms when you serve up good 'cue buffet-style.

The buffet has pulled pork, hash, rice, green beans, cole slaw, chicken, hush puppies, potato salad, and more. You can pay a little extra for some red velvet cake, but if you have room for dessert, you’re not taking this buffet seriously.

Boar’s Nest caters, too -- I first tried their food at a Christmas party a few weeks ago. And I like the fact that they made the effort to get a memorable phone number.

Gervais says, the Nest passes the test. Get some!

Speaking of OkraTown, thanks to my good friend (and Irmo resident) PettyCa$h for the new Barbecue & Politics logo. What do y’all think?

Campbell adds acute accent mark to campaign signs; Bauer responds with umlaut

Below: Political signs tainted
by questionable symbols
Violation of time-honored language rules upsets some

B & P News - Columbia

In a new brand of political gamesmanship, Lt. Governor-candidate Mike Campbell this week added an acute accent mark to his Campbell’s Soup-style campaign signs. Lt. Governor Andre Bauer responded with his own new diacritical mark -- a prominent umlaut.

“This is clearly a case of accent-mark envy,” said Bauer in a telephone interview with B & P News. “We saw this last election when Leventis put a tilde over his N. It wasn’t even pronounceable.”

Campbell responded to the claim of diacritic envy by saying, "Is not," and then offering, "He started it."

While the exchange between the Bauer and Campbell camps seems to have stalemated for now, some people -- including Governor Mark Sanford -- worry that political candidates are using too much discretion with their signs.

“What is up with the ‘V’ in Lovelace? It’s a weird blue shape, like maybe a slice of pizza," noted Sanford. "He’s a doctor -- what if he goes to administer an IV and he inserts an ‘I-blue pizza’ instead? Sounds like malpractice to me.”

Some South Carolina voters are also wary of the trend, and prefer candidates who opt for more traditional signs.

"I've always liked Jakie Knotts 'cause he sticks with plain ol' letters," said Lexington resident Duke Murray. "Not all them fancy vowels and whatnots."

Educators agree that the signs could send the wrong message, especially to our schoolchildren.

“I’ve always worried about politicians taking our liberty,” said Dreher High School English teacher Jessamine Flowers. “But now, they’re taking liberties with the language I love to teach.”

Barbecue Sauce Leak: McCain on State House Grounds

No, not John McCain -- SC's native son Edwin McCain was spotted this week on State House grounds at a public hearing for the autism insurance bill.

McCain has a new record due out April 11th, and will perform at Jammin' Java in Columbia on March 1st.

Sanford blasts Lovelace for out-of-county donations

Below: Sanford uses maps to contrast his tight
base of local support with Lovelace’s donors from
“all over creation”
“So much for being a ‘Newberry’ physician,” scoffs Governor

B & P News - Columbia

Governor Mark Sanford took aim today at GOP primary opponent Oscar Lovelace, for the large percentage of out-of-county donations accepted in his bid for the Republican gubernatorial nomination.

“All I’m saying is, if this guy’s a ‘Newberry’ physician, why is money flowing in from Greenville, and Aiken, and Charleston?” asked Sanford at a press conference. “Sounds a little fishy to me.”

Sanford used charts to illustrate that his opponent’s donations have come from “practically all over creation,” while contributions to his own campaign have been relatively localized. While Lovelace does not deny that he has accepted numerous contributions from non-Newberry counties, he says he “patently rejects donations from Marlboro County, on principle.”

Even with a small war-chest that rolled over from his MUSC Student Body President campaign, Lovelace trails the governor in fundraising so far. But he doesn’t necessarily think large donations will affect voter turnout in the primary.

“Dollars translate to votes about as well as Gullah translates to pig Latin,” said Lovelace, consulting his notebook of state-specific one-liners. “South Carolinians can’t be bought like a cheap trinket from South of the Border, and Pedro can hang his sombrero on that.”

Po' Pigs doesn't ship.. but it still delivers

What? I'm not even showing yet!
Hannah Jane is a lot further along than Angelina Jolie is, and we decided recently that we’re going to bring Gervais Jr. into the world with as many sitcom and movie clichés as possible. We discussed it tonight over the pulled pork, collards, green beans, hush puppies, rutabaga, fried chicken, and banana pudding that make up about a third of the buffet at "Po’ Pigs" Bo-B-Q on Knox Abbott.

We decided it will go a little something like this:

First, I’ll be drinking a bottle of Aquafina, and Hannah Jane will say, “My water.”

I’ll say, “No, this is my water,” and take another sip.

“No, you idiot,” Hannah Jane will reply, frantic. “My water. It just broke!”

I’ll rush to pack the car (a light blue suitcase will be by the front door) and head for the hospital. When I get down the road a ways, my cellphone will ring. “Hello?”

“You forgot one thing,” Hannah Jane will say. “ME!” And then I’ll turn the car around.

When we get get to the delivery room, Hannah Jane is going to say to things like, “GET THIS THING OUT OF ME!!!” and “I WANT DRUGS…NOW!!” and “YOU try pushing something the size of a [large fruit] out a hole the size of a [small fruit]!” Why is it always fruit? I don't know, but we're going to go with it.

When the doctor asks if I'm the father, I'll make a snarky comment like, "No.. but when I get my hands on the guy who is..."

I’m going to stand beside her and say “breathe” and “push” a lot. She’ll respond with “YOU DID THIS TO ME!!! I HATE YOU!!!” When she lets go of my hand, I’m going to shake it in the air as if to say, “That hurt!”

At some point I’m going to turn white as a sheet and ask groggily, “Is there a doctor in the house?” as I slump to the floor.

After the delivery, when the doctor hands Hannah Jane the baby, it’s going to be three months old and clean as a whistle, instead of looking like a piece of chewed gum. (We don't know how we're going to arrange this yet.) I’m going to say, “He’s got your eyes,” and she’ll say, “He’s got your nose, bless his little heart."

A nurse will walk in five minutes later and ask us for a name. Simultaneously, I’ll say “Gervais Jr.” and she’ll say “Maurice,” then we’ll look at each other affectionately and I’ll tell the nurse, “Marvais. Marvais Bridges.”

Roll credits.

Gervais says, try the buffet at Po' Pigs when you're on my side of the river. I may never know what it feels like to be pregnant, but after three helpings of the 'cue smothered in Orangeburg Sweet, I sure felt close.