Experts denounce Darwinian evolution

Below: Senator Mike Fair watches as his
hand-picked experts shatter the scientific
status quo.
Esteemed scholars testify before EOC

B & P News - Columbia

The scientific community was taken aback this week as two renowned experts testified on the inadequacy of evolutionary theory before South Carolina’s Education Oversight Committee (EOC). The experts, recruited by Senator Mike Fair (R-Greenville), told the committee Monday that the unifying theory of the life sciences did not stand up to their rigorous scrutiny.

“It doesn’t cut the mustard,” said Professor Benny Hinn, sending shockwaves through scientific fields from anthropology to zoology. “For instance, how can man have evolved over millions of years if the earth is only 6,000 years old? Sounds like one Mr. Darwood wasn’t too good at mathemetrics.”

News of Hinn’s groundbreaking testimony leaked from the conference room and found its way onto the internet within minutes, causing scientists throughout the world to discard the then-accepted theory of evolution by natural selection. Hinn’s colleague, Jan Crouch, further shattered the evolutionary paradigm.

“One major flaw in modern evolutionary theory is the misidentification of human precursors,” said Dr. Crouch, who earlier signed autographs for visiting schoolchildren who confused her for a famous muppet. “For instance, where in the curriculum is the immediate forerunner to woman, the rib bone?”

Asked about the complex nature of Homo sapiens, Crouch asserted that “being a homosapien is a sin” and that “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

The only academically suspect statement of the hearing came when Hinn leapt onto the table and proclaimed that God had sent him to cure EOC Chairman Bob Staton of diabetes. Staton replied that he was not a diabetic, and Hinn returned to his seat. Later, Staton told B & P News that he in fact does have an intestinal ailment that “sounds a lot like 'diabetes',” then rushed into a restroom of the Blatt Office Building.

Fair stated that he will have more experts booked for future EOC hearings “once I get satellite TV,” and reiterated that his push for revised science standards has "nothing to do with religion."