Po' Pigs doesn't ship.. but it still delivers

What? I'm not even showing yet!
Hannah Jane is a lot further along than Angelina Jolie is, and we decided recently that we’re going to bring Gervais Jr. into the world with as many sitcom and movie clichés as possible. We discussed it tonight over the pulled pork, collards, green beans, hush puppies, rutabaga, fried chicken, and banana pudding that make up about a third of the buffet at "Po’ Pigs" Bo-B-Q on Knox Abbott.

We decided it will go a little something like this:

First, I’ll be drinking a bottle of Aquafina, and Hannah Jane will say, “My water.”

I’ll say, “No, this is my water,” and take another sip.

“No, you idiot,” Hannah Jane will reply, frantic. “My water. It just broke!”

I’ll rush to pack the car (a light blue suitcase will be by the front door) and head for the hospital. When I get down the road a ways, my cellphone will ring. “Hello?”

“You forgot one thing,” Hannah Jane will say. “ME!” And then I’ll turn the car around.

When we get get to the delivery room, Hannah Jane is going to say to things like, “GET THIS THING OUT OF ME!!!” and “I WANT DRUGS…NOW!!” and “YOU try pushing something the size of a [large fruit] out a hole the size of a [small fruit]!” Why is it always fruit? I don't know, but we're going to go with it.

When the doctor asks if I'm the father, I'll make a snarky comment like, "No.. but when I get my hands on the guy who is..."

I’m going to stand beside her and say “breathe” and “push” a lot. She’ll respond with “YOU DID THIS TO ME!!! I HATE YOU!!!” When she lets go of my hand, I’m going to shake it in the air as if to say, “That hurt!”

At some point I’m going to turn white as a sheet and ask groggily, “Is there a doctor in the house?” as I slump to the floor.

After the delivery, when the doctor hands Hannah Jane the baby, it’s going to be three months old and clean as a whistle, instead of looking like a piece of chewed gum. (We don't know how we're going to arrange this yet.) I’m going to say, “He’s got your eyes,” and she’ll say, “He’s got your nose, bless his little heart."

A nurse will walk in five minutes later and ask us for a name. Simultaneously, I’ll say “Gervais Jr.” and she’ll say “Maurice,” then we’ll look at each other affectionately and I’ll tell the nurse, “Marvais. Marvais Bridges.”

Roll credits.

Gervais says, try the buffet at Po' Pigs when you're on my side of the river. I may never know what it feels like to be pregnant, but after three helpings of the 'cue smothered in Orangeburg Sweet, I sure felt close.