The State newspaper recently mentioned a “contract for change” which may or may not be a political stunt, may or may not have been drafted by former Sanford spokesman Will Folks, may or may not have been plagiarized from The State’s editorial pages, and may or may not have been signed by the slate of voucher candidates who are being funded by NYC millionaire Howard Rich this cycle.
The contract is a farce, but truth be told, I wondered if the Hit List Compact had some solid ideas.
By posing as a candidate in fictional “House District 317 in
Here are some of the key provisions:
Spending: Gourmet coffee served at State House to be secretly replaced with Folgers Crystals
Bureaucracy: Mandatory use of “ghost men” on base paths during agency softball games
Restructuring: Comptroller General will report directly to executive branch of whichever state he has driven his publicly owned minivan
Government Efficiency: Streamline cumbersome Budget “and” Control Board into more efficient Budget “&” Control Board
Checks and Balances: Saying “G’day Guvnah” in funny British accent will be jailable offense
Crime and Punishment: First-time criminal defendants get three chances to “roll doubles” and avoid jail time
Judiciary: When liberal, activist judges legislate from the bench, confiscate bench for 60 days
Education: Fully fund public schools, but only if Air Force has a bake sale to build a bomber
Workers Compensation: Avoid saying that workers comp premiums cost “an arm and a leg” in vicinity of workers who have actually lost arms or legs
Ethics: Lawmakers may only apply pine tar to first 18 inches of the mace of the House of Representatives
As you can see, it’s a pretty good pledge. Like the media, I gave it all the consideration it was due. But ultimately, Gervais didn’t sign it.
At the end of the day I only have one pledge, and that’s to do my best for the people of Chesterburg County.