Thursday, June 05, 2008

B&P EXCLUSIVE: A look at the hit list pledge

The State
newspaper recently mentioned a “contract for change” which may or may not be a political stunt, may or may not have been drafted by former Sanford spokesman Will Folks, may or may not have been plagiarized from The State’s editorial pages, and may or may not have been signed by the slate of voucher candidates who are being funded by NYC millionaire Howard Rich this cycle.

The contract is a farce, but truth be told, I wondered if the Hit List Compact had some solid ideas.

By posing as a candidate in fictional “House District 317 in Chesterburg County,” Gervais has obtained an exclusive look at the pledge.

Here are some of the key provisions:

Spending: Gourmet coffee served at State House to be secretly replaced with Folgers Crystals

Bureaucracy: Mandatory use of “ghost men” on base paths during agency softball games

Restructuring: Comptroller General will report directly to executive branch of whichever state he has driven his publicly owned minivan

Government Efficiency: Streamline cumbersome Budget “and” Control Board into more efficient Budget “&” Control Board

Checks and Balances: Saying “G’day Guvnah” in funny British accent will be jailable offense

Crime and Punishment: First-time criminal defendants get three chances to “roll doubles” and avoid jail time

Judiciary: When liberal, activist judges legislate from the bench, confiscate bench for 60 days

Education: Fully fund public schools, but only if Air Force has a bake sale to build a bomber

Workers Compensation: Avoid saying that workers comp premiums cost “an arm and a leg” in vicinity of workers who have actually lost arms or legs

Ethics: Lawmakers may only apply pine tar to first 18 inches of the mace of the House of Representatives

As you can see, it’s a pretty good pledge. Like the media, I gave it all the consideration it was due. But ultimately, Gervais didn’t sign it.

At the end of the day I only have one pledge, and that’s to do my best for the people of Chesterburg County.

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