Wednesday, March 29, 2006

House allocates $12 million towards Bauer Expressway

‘Andrebahn’ construction could start in early 2007

B & P News - Columbia

After two and a half hours of floor debate, House members voted yesterday to finally set aside state funds for the long-discussed infrastructure project known as the Bauer Expressway, or ‘Andrebahn.’

“I know it seems like a waste of money at first, an entire $12 million highway system for just one person,” said James Schweitzer, director of the state’s Department of Public Safety. “But believe me, the saved State Trooper manpower alone makes it worthwhile. The net savings is like $20 million.”

Experts agree the savings will offset the construction costs, but questioned whether funds should be used to man the expressway’s sole rest area with staffers who can change all four of the Lt. Governor’s tires in less than a minute. Several other issues also delayed passage of Andrebahn funding, including concerns over the speed limit on the new roadway.

“When I first read the proposed speed limit of 90 miles per hour, I was outraged,” said Speaker Bobby Harrell. “I thought it was way too slow. Luckily, [Rep.] Jim [Merrill] explained that 90 was the lower limit.”

The upper speed limit for the planned highway system is 140 mph, above which the Lt. Governor could face harsh punishment. According to sources, potential penalties include a “strong verbal admonition,” a “thorough mussing up of the hair,” and a “complementary cleaning of the piece in his glovebox.”

The Lieutenant Governor, for his part, seemed pleased with the development.

“I have a need,” Bauer said at a press conference from his office in Columbia, leaving reporters scratching their heads as he left his desk. Bauer continued his remarks at a Myrtle Beach press conference an hour later, drinking an ICEE purchased at a Hartsville convenience store. “A need for speed.”

11 comments:

Rev. BigDumbChimp said...

I can't wait to get in my car and go for a drive on the new "Bauer Expressway" to look at all the intelligently designed wonder of the soon to be sold off forests of the state.

Anonymous said...

Laugh out loud funny!

STR said...

Will Bauer's staff like his Secretary, Fundraisers, Exec. Assistants, will they be able to use this expressway as well?

Anonymous said...

You bet, as well as the man responsible for getting him into office and his family!

Laurin Manning said...

If Andre took a whole hour to blaze from Myrtle Beach to Hartsville, traffic on Highway 501 through Marion must have been at a standstill. Prolly all those Michigan U-Hauls...

Laurin Manning said...

My bad. Columbia --> Myrtle Beach by way of Hartsville in an hour. That sounds more like our Wonder Boy. Pardon my reading skills!

Frank said...

Gervais, I am crying...I love your stuff...

Anonymous said...

Hey, take it easy on Andre. I'm sure he was only driving fast to avoid all those Michigan Uhauls on the road.

Anonymous said...

Check out SC 2 Andre on the next episode of "Pimp My Ride"

Time to go back to the used car lot.

Mouse said...

That sounds about right for Andre! Don't think I'll enjoy that ride much though--crazy as people drive on regular highways, I don't want to be anywhere near the crashes!

Hilarious.

works for transportation engineering company said...

I posted your entry and super-titled it in screaming red letters, "Head up, people! Let's be watching for this RFQ!"

Damned if I didn't get eager responses from project managers.

You da man.