Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Ford, Sanford merge to form unemployment juggernaut

Below: Governor tells a SanFord™ employee
to clean out his locker
Analysts call SanFord™ a potential ‘unemploymonopoly’

B & P News – Dearborn, Michigan

In a business deal that could reshape the unemployment industry, unemployment leader Ford Motor Company announced its merger with unemployment powerhouse Mark Sanford LLC, to form what may be the single largest unemployment provider in the country.

“We’ve had our eyes on unemployment bastion Mark Sanford LLC for a long time,” said Ford spokesman Roland Lemmon. “With his unemployment savvy on our side, SanFord can take unemployment to a whole new level.”

The merger was announced Tuesday morning, to coincide with Ford’s obliteration of a quarter of its workforce and the release of Sanford’s latest, comparable unemployment numbers. Sanford subsidiary “South Carolina” recently overtook rival Louisiana to post a solid 49th place finish in state unemployment rankings for December 2005.

“We simply out-underperformed them,” said Sanford via closed-circuit television at the merger announcement. “Let this be a lesson to any would-be challengers: SanFord will not be outdone in joblessnessfulness.”

According to some analysts, the Ford/Sanford merger could mean trouble for small unemployers.

“What we’re dealing with here is the Wal-Mart of joblessness, a vortex that consumes all employment in its path,” said USC economics professor Adam Smythe. “Expect to see small unemployers driven out of business as SanFord establishes its unemploymonopoly.”

13 comments:

T.J. said...

You keep getting funnier every day. Keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

I don't know how you come up with this stuff!! It's great!

The Body Politic - Joshua Gross said...

This somehow reminds me of my days as a Project Manager for WorldCom... when someone came up with the idea to lay off 125% of the workforce by outsourcing the job cuts to other companies... I think Ford was in on that joke as well!

goodintentions said...

This is funny, but I would imagine a lot of

Anonymous said...

thios stuff just isn't as funny now that we know you are getting paid by daddy to do it

goodintentions said...

This is funny, but I would imagine a lot of people don't realize the implications to South Carolina of Ford's move.

Arvin-Meritor, in Marion County (which has the highest unemployment rate in S.C.) makes parts for Ford. The fallout is bound to hit home here.

Earl Capps said...

I understand that Job One may be affected by these layoffs.

Anonymous said...

Arvin-Meritor, in Marion County (which has the highest unemployment rate in S.C.)

But Marion only has a high unemployment rate because all of those people from Michigan are moving there in droves! Sanford said so! I hear the U-Hauls are bumper to bumper in Mullins.

Anonymous said...

SC Barbecue, you're the new king of the Blogosphere! thank you!

Anonymous said...

I think Ross should put a disclaimer on this blog so everyone knows he is getting paid by Lovelace.

Anonymous said...

Dear Sanford supporter,

Would you let us enjoy Mr. Bridges' humor and save your political insults for FaithInTheSound?

Anonymous said...

ditto -- this is too funny.

and with apologies to President Reagan: A depression is when you lose your job, a recession is when your neighbors lose their jobs, and a recovery is when mark sanford's carpetbagging trust fund preening self is sent back to the plantation from whence he came so he can purr for the cameras in the comfort of his own bedroom!

MoBell195 said...

hilarious.