Thursday, June 14, 2007

New Top Ten

One of SC’s bestest and brightest, Rep. Thad Viers (R-Horry), will be in court this morning facing charges of unlawful communication, for allegedly threatening the boyfriend of his estranged wife. Columbia resident John Zeigler says that last September, Viers called him six times and threatened to physically and sexually assault Ziegler and his parents.

Gervais says, I believe in the tenet of "innocent until proven guilty," but I also believe in its lesser-known corollary: “unless there is a recording.” We’ll see. Regardless, here are the…

Top Ten other allegations in the “unlawful communications” complaint against Rep. Thad Viers

10. Refused to silence cell phone during Mission: Impossible III, despite clear admonition during previews

9. Profanity-laden phone calls were made “collect,” without saving money by “dialing down the center”

8. When describing sexual acts allegedly performed on victim’s girlfriend, paused to ask “Can you hear me now? Good.”

7. Menacing communications rudely placed during Super Nanny season finale

6. Caller threatened to “get to second base” with victim’s truck

5. Failed to properly credit Stevie Wonder as inspiration for phrase “I just called to say I’m going to beat up your parents”

4. Contrary to Telephone Consumer Protection Act, called a member of the national “Do Not Call and Threaten to Rape” registry

3. Deftly disguised voice as “idiot legislator with hand cupped over phone”

2. Neglected to phrase all threats in form of a question, contrary to explicit Jeopardy rules

1. Ended every vulgar missive with an enthusiastic “all in favor say ‘aye’”

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