Monday, June 12, 2006

2006 Primary Undorsements

Gervais doesn’t do endorsements. Even though I’m sure my endorsement would carry about as much weight as Mary-Kate Olsen at the International Space Station, I made a promise never to endorse candidates during a primary. Wait, no, that was somebody else...

Anyway, I do do Undorsements. Undorsements are similar, but opposite. So here are the first/last non-annual Barbecue & Politics Primary Undorsements. Enjoy!


Governor, GOP
Undorsement: Mark Sanford

Big shocker. At the risk of bringing the anonymous “Ross….daddy...Oscar” guy back to the comments, Mark Sanford gets the first and most emphatic Undorsement this year.

Four years ago, Sanford swore to discharge the duties of Governor to the best of his abilities. Sadly, the only discharge that can be attributed to Sanford resulted in brown stains on the State House carpet.

He’s managed to appoint an avowed opponent of public schools to the Education Oversight Committee, badmouth those same public schools on TV with John Stossel, and put hundreds of miles on his Schwinn during his term.

Meanwhile, SC’s 2002-2005 economic growth was the worst of any three-year period since the early 1990’s, and our unemployment rate ballooned. Sanford vowed to cut income taxes, and he delivered: 140,000 South Carolinian workers don’t have income to tax.

On the other hand, state employees are now sharing rooms whenever they visit Paris. But if that did it for me, I’d go ahead and rename this site "Crunchy Barbecue."

Governor, Dem
Undorsement: Dennis Aughtry

I like that the guy seems not to give a rat’s, but I think it’s the platform of legalized gambling that bothers me. Part of the thrill of gambling is doing it illegally.

Lt. Governor, GOP
Undorsement: 1/3 of an Undorsement to each candidate

Bauer gets his share - not for speeding, but for Gervais having to read the phrase “101 mph on Interstate 77” about a hundred times in The State:“Groomsmen were Doug Johnson of Walterboro, Tom Smith of Swansea, and Andre Bauer – who was pulled over but not ticketed for driving 101 mph on Interstate 77 – of Columbia.”

Jordan gets his share, not for the Buddhist/Muslims thing, but for the why the hell do you pronounce your name that way thing. Whether it’s the river or the basketball player, it’s always rhymed with warden. Not burden.

And Campbell gets his, not for the college thing, but for the kid who keeps posting comments about “Andre A**hole” on this blog.

Superintendent of Education, GOP
Undorsement: Karen Floyd

It’s a shame to Undorse somebody simply based on their supporters, but every once in awhile you can get a pretty clear picture just by connecting the dots. In addition to being endorsed by Sanford, she’s also earned the nod of the education experts at South CaroLINEians for Responsible Government. Plus bloggers Will “the department of education is the Nazis” Folks and Joshua “my first public schoolteacher was a witch” Gross. Marshall, Dennis, Willard, and Gross… that roster is to education what the baby-blue Braves were to baseball.

But when Karen “I proclaim publicly that I favor ending government involvement in education” Iacovelli showed up on Floyd’s disclosures to the tune of $2500, it cemented her Undorsement.

Treasurer, GOP
Undorsement: Entire Field

Every “___ for Treasurer” commercial is one less chance for me to hear that “Beep Beep” song. I love that song.

Attorney General, GOP

Undorsement: Henry McMaster

McMaster has been unfairly hammering small businesses such as mine for years. Granted, my small business is a meth lab. But still.

Commissioner of Agriculture, GOP
Undorsement: None

Whether Weathers gets his bell rung, or Bell withers and Weathers wins, this race is a bellwether of things to come in future GOP primaries.

Adjutant General, GOP
Undorsement: Stan Spears

Even though Spears is unopposed, he gets a big fat Undorsement. It’s been years, and South Carolina is just not fortified for the long-anticipated two-front war against Georgia and Florida.

Comptroller General, Dem

Undorsement: Drew Theodore

Also unopposed, but I’ve heard that Theodore is a comptrol-freak, and he cracks whenever things get the slightest bit out of comptrol. Not what we need at South Carolina’s comptrol panel.


That’s it for the first/last non-annual Barbecue & Politics Undorsements. Please feel free to add your own Undorsements in the comments. And remember: If you or one of your candidates was Undorsed, please don’t take it as an honest difference of opinions on the issues. Because it’s probably personal.

8 comments:

Laurin Manning said...

"McMaster has been unfairly hammering small businesses such as mine for years. Granted, my small business is a meth lab. But still."

LOL LOL LOL!!!!

Uncle Zoloft said...

Watch Moore and Willis debate: Roe v. Wade, Off-shore Drilling & the Familiy Discriminatin Amendment duing a Charleston County debate:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZvhkOu6KvQ

Anonymous said...

Laugh out loud funny!

Anonymous said...

Gervais,
Check out this link if you like the "Beep Beep" song.

http://www.myspace.com/13stories

Enjoy!

Abby Carolina

Tammy said...

TOO funny...great stuff...love it...

:-) t

Anonymous said...

Gervais the group that sings the Beep Beep song is 13 stories, they play in the Carolinas often. If you get a chance you should check them out. Peace, love and barbecue:)

Earl Capps said...

Do we at least have the ability to launch a first-strike on Augusta?

The Cackalacky Candidate said...

Doc Oscar does have one special quality that sets him apart from the other candidates. In his 18 years as a physician he has undoubtely tended to all manner of injury, illness, and suffering. In other words, he has personally worked with some of the most grotesque, pitiful and pathetic conditions that humanity has to offer. That almost qualifies him to work with the members of the South Carolina General Assembly.