Joblessnessfulness, revisited

In honor of the March unemployment numbers coming out this Friday, and my general unwillingness to come up with anything new, I thought I’d pull a few winter leftovers from the B&P freezer… Enjoy!

Sanford abruptly creates Department of Unemployment Control, names Tenenbaum as head
Below left: Governor Sanford. Below right: New
Director of Unemployment Control Inez Tenenbaum
‘I'm disappointed in her performance so far,’ says Sanford of new unemployment czar

B & P News - Columbia

In a surprise announcement Friday, Governor Mark Sanford created a new government agency, the Department of Unemployment Control, and named current Education Superintendent Inez Tenenbaum as its director. He then blasted Tenenbaum for South Carolina's soaring 6.9% unemployment rate.

"Third from the bottom is just unsatisfactory," Sanford said at a press conference Friday morning, three days after October unemployment figures were released. "Tenenbaum is not getting the job done. I'm disappointed in her performance so far."

GOP chairman Katon Dawson echoed the governor's sentiments. "The state's economic situation is horrid, and taxpayers need to be able to hold someone accountable," said Dawson. "That person is obviously Inez Tenenbaum, head of the Department of Unemployment Control."

Tenenbaum was surprised to read criticism about her performance in her new position in the newspapers Saturday morning. "Aren't these the October statistics?" she asked. "How could I... Oh [expletive deleted] this [expletive deleted]."

Asked about the timing of the new department, a Sanford spokesman said that "it had been part of his government restructuring plan" all along. "Don't let the Tenenbaum 'Unemployment Establishment' fool you," said press secretary Joel Sawyer. "They've had hours to fix the unemployment problem. The buck has to stop somewhere. That somewhere is Inez Tenenbaum."

This is the third new department Sanford has established this year. In August, he created the state Credit Rating Department and named Democratic Senator John Land as director. Earlier this month, he created the Department of Prison Escapees at the request of political ally and Department of Corrections director Jon Ozmint. To lead that department, Sanford appointed Newberry physician Oscar Lovelace.

Title loan to get SC through holidays
Below: Governor Mark Sanford and Treasurer
Grady Patterson obtaining title loan
Loss of AAA credit rating forces state to pursue alternate lenders

B & P News - West Columbia

South Carolinians got more economic bad news Tuesday, when top officials used the title to the state as collateral for a high-interest loan.

"The good news is that losing our Standard & Poor's AAA credit rating hasn't altogether stopped us from being able to borrow," said Governor Mark Sanford, outside the Paycheck Advance store on Highway 1. "The bad news is that if we default our state will be owned by this guy named Hector."

State Treasurer Grady Patterson, when asked about the title to the state about an hour after the transaction, replied only, "The Palmetto State," then farted loudly.

While some Democrats pointed to the title loan as evidence of another Sanford failure, USC Economics professor Jebediah Tweed applauded the move.

"I think the fact that the governor is supporting small businesses is great," said Tweed. "The very proliferation of these outlets is a testament to the governor's small business initiatives. I can't think of a better indicator of a healthy economy than a payday loan shop on every corner."

Cayce resident Hector Rumph, owner of Paycheck Advance, would not disclose the amount of the loan.

"I don't like to disclose personal information, such as loan amounts and interest rates," said Rumph. "Let's just say, South Hector-lina gets kind of hot in the summer, if you know what I mean."

Ford, Sanford merge to form unemployment juggernaut
Below: Governor tells a SanFord™ employee
to clean out his locker
Analysts call SanFord™ a potential ‘unemploymonopoly’

B & P News – Dearborn, Michigan

In a business deal that could reshape the unemployment industry, unemployment leader Ford Motor Company announced its merger with unemployment powerhouse Mark Sanford LLC, to form what may be the single largest unemployment provider in the country.

“We’ve had our eyes on unemployment bastion Mark Sanford LLC for a long time,” said Ford spokesman Roland Lemmon. “With his unemployment savvy on our side, SanFord™ can take unemployment to a whole new level.”

The merger was announced Tuesday morning, to coincide with Ford’s obliteration of a quarter of its workforce and the release of Sanford’s latest, comparable unemployment numbers. Sanford subsidiary “South Carolina” recently overtook rival Louisiana to post a solid 49th place finish in state unemployment rankings for December 2005.

“We simply out-underperformed them,” said Sanford via closed-circuit television at the merger announcement. “Let this be a lesson to any would-be challengers: SanFord™ will not be outdone in joblessnessfulness.”

According to some analysts, the Ford/Sanford merger could mean trouble for small unemployers.

“What we’re dealing with here is the Wal-Mart of joblessness, a vortex that consumes all employment in its path,” said USC economics professor Adam Smythe. “Expect to see small unemployers driven out of business as SanFord™ establishes its unemploymonopoly.”