Tuesday, February 21, 2006

‘Henry McMaster facts’ craze sweeps internet

Below: McMaster, whose tears cure
cancer. Too bad he never cried.
McMasterisms typically assign super-human qualities to Attorney General

B & P News - Columbia

The South Carolina Attorney General’s Office hardly seems a likely source of the next hot trend, but that hasn’t stopped the grass-fire proliferation of a new internet phenomenon -- “Henry McMaster facts.” These McMasterisms, as they are also known, are typically extreme exaggerations about the Republican Attorney General that are created, compiled, and circulated in internet forums such as fansites and weblogs.

And their popularity seems to be growing exponentially. One example is the popular website McMasterpiece.com, which reports the following Henry McMasterisms:

Henry McMaster has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

Henry McMaster once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Henry McMaster.

Henry McMaster once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.

Some analysts believe McMaster’s persona as a crimefighter contributes to his elevation to hero status, especially among students. The epicenter of this particular trend seems to be an offshoot of the University of South Carolina College Republicans that calls itself McMaster Beta Epsilon (MBE).

“Internet fads like the recent ‘Henry McMaster facts’ obsession often take root on college campuses,” said USC social science professor Chris P. Kareem. “I’m not surprised that the McMaster Betas were the instigators of this particular mania.”

The MBE website features what is probably the most comprehensive list of McMasterisms, including the following :

Henry McMaster knows the last digit of pi.

When Henry McMaster wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Henry McMaster is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Henry McMaster isn't black," then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

Henry McMaster can make a woman climax simply by pointing in her direction and saying “boo-ya.”

When Henry McMaster falls in water, Henry McMaster doesn't get wet. Water gets Henry McMaster.

Sources close to the Attorney General say that he is unaware of the phenomenon and his cult status among thousands of McMaster enthusiasts. Most say his reputation takes a back seat to simply doing his job well.

“Any time Henry McMaster spends on the internet is time spent cracking down on online predators,” said McMaster spokesman Trey Walker. “When he finds them, he stalks and destroys them with extreme prejudice. That’s why he drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.”

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

Henry McMaster does not sleep. He waits.

Laurin Manning said...

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Henry McMaster has allowed to live.

Anonymous said...

He once walked down the middle of a crowded street with an erection...there were no survivors.

Anonymous said...

When Henry McMaster was denied an Ed McMullen...I mean, Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Earl Capps said...

his life force is so powerful, that he resurrected elvis, lifted him from his throne, and levitated him to South Carolina, where The King campaigned enthusiastically for the McMaster of All Things General

Thank ya, thank ya very much.

Anonymous said...

Prof. Chris P. Kareem is hot!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad to see that laurin manning included a picture of herself so that when she graduates from law school Henry McMaster will know what she looks like so he can give her a job at the Attorney General's office.

bo said...

Henry McMaster can slam a revolving door.

Anonymous said...

That henry mcmaster is more powerful than david copperfield...he made will folks second domestic violence charge--disappear.

Free Carolina said...

Henry McMaster doesn't go hunting, because hunting has the implication of failure. Henry McMaster goes killing.

The Body Politic - Joshua Gross said...

Henry McMaster doesn't read books; he stares them down until he gets the information he needs...

Laurin Manning said...

The chief export of Henry McMaster is pain.

Henry McMaster doesn't go hunting, Henry McMaster goes killing.

Henry McMaster doesn't read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Henry McMaster is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Henry McMaster is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Henry McMaster doesn't get frostbite, he bites frost.

Henry McMaster is the only person who can lead a horse to water and make it drink.

Anonymous said...

Henry McMaster lives only because Chuck Norris wishes it to be.

Anonymous said...

Henry McMaster's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Laurin Manning said...

Henry McMaster can win a game of "Connect 4" in 3 moves.

Patrick Henry said...

Henry McMaster was once in a knife fight.... the knife lost.

Patrick Henry said...

This just in... there's a new number one cause of death in the nation... Henry McMaster

Earl Capps said...

henry mcmaster IS the real chuck norris. fear him.

Don't F with Chuck said...

Dare I say unoriginal bastards? Could someone other than Earl Capps write something they did not rip off of my site. Also, Laurin Manning with two (i's) my quote is that I (Chuck Norris) don't go hunting because 'hunting' implies failure. I go killing. In addition,when I go killing, I kill things just a tad bit worse than you did my quote. I driving my Dodge Ram and I am going to have Midnight give McFagster a roundhouse kick in the face!

Patrick Henry said...

Henry McMaster has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Axl said...

Henry McMaster does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Anonymous said...

When the mountain went to Mohammad, it travelled on McMaster's shoulders.

When the sweet chariot swings low, it's because it's swerving to avoid Henry McMaster.

The real reason the Beatles broke up is that they head Henry McMaster was taking guitar lessons.

You know Samuel Jackson's wallet at the end of Pulp Fiction, the one that said "Bad Ass Motherfucker?" In early drafts of the script, the wallet simply had "Henry McMaster" printed on it.

When Mark Sanford was growing up on the plantation, he used to dream of one day being a leader respected far and wide. If he was Henry McMaster, he would have gotten off his ass and done it already.

Anonymous said...

"He once walked down the middle of a crowded street with an erection...there were no survivors."

No prisoners either.

They've renamed Abu Ghraib prison "McMasterville" (think Andersonville), home of the McMaster baiters

Anonymous said...
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