Projected deficits scare pants off Leatherman

Below: Leatherman, scared trouserless
Governor promises free slacks to all South Carolinians

B & P News - Columbia

A state budget forecast which predicts deficits beginning as early as 2007 and reaching levels of up to $400 million has scared the pants off Senator Hugh Leatherman, chairman of the Senate Finance Committee.

“It’s not a euphemism,” said Leatherman in an interview with B & P News. “These projections frightened my knickers clean off. Just look.”

Observers say having one’s pants scared off by a dire economic forecast is a political oddity, but not altogether unheard of.

“It is very rare indeed for a seasoned legislator to have Budget-induced Vanishing Disorder,” said visibly giddy USC political science professor Gilbert P. Cobbler. “But without a doubt, Leatherman has a case of the BVD’s.”

Governor Mark Sanford reacted to the news by making a pen-and-ink change to his proposed budget, granting every South Carolinian a new pair of slacks. But critics say the Sanford “pants rebate” amounts to election-year pandering.

“Sanford’s budget is full of holes, just like Leatherman’s boxers,” said Oscar Lovelace, Sanford’s challenger in the Republican primary. “I mean, shit, I could give the guy a physical while he’s still wearing the things.”

This isn’t the first time Leatherman has been floored by budget forecasts. In 1998, predicted shortfalls scared the Dickens out of Leatherman, requiring the legislator to replace several classic books in his personal library. In 2000, a deficit prediction scared the daylights out of Leatherman, causing a partial solar eclipse in downtown Columbia.

"I've lost my daylights, my Dickens, and now even my pants worrying about the state's budget," said Leatherman, bashfully holding a newspaper over his exposed underwear. "But as long as I have my bejeepers, I will keep working to make South Carolina fiscally sound."