Bauer named in Shortt steroid investigation

Below: Bauer, in late August
Inset: Physician James Shortt
Lt. Governor may have purchased performance enhancing drugs from West Columbia doctor

B & P News - West Columbia

Federal investigators claim that Lt. Governor Andre Bauer may have been prescribed illicit drugs from West Columbia physician James Shortt, according to a statement released Saturday.

"It is clear that Bauer has both visited Shortt and reached unprecedented levels of hunkiness," said Special Agent Jim Harbloski. "What isn't clear is whether he will let me touch his abs, stroke his chin, or perhaps squeeze his biceps."

Harbloski said he will pursue a warrant for further investigation, but Bauer says performance enhancing drugs are not part of his repertoire.

"Whether I'm driving through downtown Columbia or lifting weights, I'm always trying to push things to the next level," said Bauer. "I did visit [Dr. Shortt], but it was because of a knee injury."

Sources close to Bauer say he has been complaining of various health problems since he took the reigns of the Office on Aging earlier this year.

"He's been griping about ringing in his ears, taste bud suppression, and all sorts of other silly ailments," said Bauer's Chief of Staff, Michael Easterday. "He's also been eating dinner around four in the afternoon, and pulling his socks up to his knees."

Bauer's office says the steroids may have actually been issued to Carolina Panthers backup linebacker Grovener "the Lieutenant" Bowers. Bowers was arrested last month for ripping the head off a squirrel at a Charlotte park.

"This is a case of mistaken identity," said Bauer. "I would never buy steroids from someone named Jimmy Shortt. I'm all about shrinking the size of government, but that's about the only thing I want to shrink, if you catch my drift."