Saturday, February 25, 2006

Sanford brings home silver in Jobsledding

Below: Sanford poses with an out-of-state supporter
Competitors drive economies downhill in new winter sport

B & P News – Torino, Italy

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford secured a silver medal Friday in the newest sport in the Winter Games – Olympic Jobsledding. The sport, in which competitors see who can drive a state economy downhill the fastest, is Sanford’s “second-favoritest sport in the world, next to bicycle riding.”

“It’s taken me three years to become the second best jobsledder in the world,” said Sanford in a telephone interview from Italy. “My hat goes off to Gold Medalist Mississippi. Enjoy it while it lasts.”

But not everyone shares Sanford’s enthusiasm. Critics have smeared Sanford’s second-highest unemployment performance with claims that the governor is using performance-diminishing drugs to attain such a high level of joblessness so quickly.

“When we tested the jobsledders, Sanford’s urine was found to contain large levels of doping agent,” said Olympic nutritionist/economist Boris Kryzlwnkskovsky in a press conference. “But after talking to him, I realize it may be naturally occurring in his case. We’re going to re-test it.”

Sanford says that his job performance was not aided by any foreign substances.

“I achieved this distinction based on my own inabilities, not performance diminishing drugs,” said the medalist. “Ten percent lack of inspiration, ninety percent lack of perspiration. Seven percent unemploymentation.”

The Governor is the second South Carolina political entity to earn a medal in Torino. Last week, former Sanford spokesman Will Folks earned a bronze in “gurling,” another new sport which features male competitors pushing a girl across a length of ice towards a piece of furniture.


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Anonymous said...

Funny, funny! At least we can laugh about this to keep from crying!