Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Sanford’s fly remains at "half-mast"

Below: Sanford's fly
Powerless governor seeks legislature’s approval to raise zipper

B & P News - Columbia

The zipper of Governor Mark Sanford’s pants remained at half-mast for the 10th consecutive day Tuesday, according to a statement issued by the governor's office.

“I'd like to zip it up," said Sanford at a press conference, safely behind a podium. "Only thing is, I lack the constitutional authority to just raise and lower my zipper all willy-nilly. No pun intended.”

The governor said the power to reposition his zipper to and from half-mast, like the power to raise and lower flags on state property, properly falls under the purview of the state legislature. He is confident he will be granted the authority to raise his zipper shortly after the General Assembly reconvenes in January.

“It seems the governor has ignored one of the first tenets of politics: ‘X-Y-Z',” said snickering USC political science professor Bert Stickle. “That is to say, examine your zipper. I submit that his critics are correct, in light of the situation, when they say that his elevator is not quite at the top floor.”

Sanford first learned of the status of his fly during an unproductive meeting with his staffers to discuss an appropriate way to honor civil rights leader Rosa Parks.

“Are you afraid of heights?” spokesman Joel Sawyer asked the governor, stifling a laugh. “Because your zipper sure is.”

Sawyer then implored the governor to look up, look down, and finally, to look all around. When pressed for a reason, Sawyer stated “your pants are falling down.” An embarrassed Sanford returned to his seat, which he refused to give up for the duration of the meeting.

Legislators say they will consider an emergency session at the State House only in the event of sub-freezing temperatures, or if Sanford decides to “go commando.”

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

This site kills me

please tell me you will have an in-depth report on chip limehouse's "breastfeeding bill"

Laurin Manning said...

Gervais,

This might be your best one yet. HILARIOUS. Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

I will have to give you half a cudo for that, the other half, of course, pending action by the General Assembly.

Thanks.

Adam said...

Nice piece. I appreciate your humor. And if I couldn't spell "kudo," I'd be anonymous as well.

Nettie said...

Nice. Very nice. Hee hee.

Lady St. Lady said...

Mr. Bridges, I seldom have anything nice to say about the State paper, but today I applaud them for having directed me to your site.

This is the schitz! You're a funny guy.

Must point out though that your feature on the Goob'ner would have been even FUNNIER had you used the right word.

A flag pole is a STAFF. A mast holds up a sail.

Anyway, carry on!