The ‘Sanford’ becomes metric unit for unemployment

New term already ‘universally associated with joblessness,’ say experts

B & P News – Paris, Columbia

Joining such distinguished figures as Isaac Newton, Blaise Pascal, and Anders Celsius, South Carolina’s governor was recognized this week with his own namesake metric unit – the “Sanford.”

According to the General Conference of Weights and Measures, which convened this week in France, the Sanford is a derived unit of joblessness equal to the difference between South Carolina’s unemployment rate and the national average.

“The traditional measure of unemployment, the percent, was too arbitrary and small for most economists,” said conference chairman Jacques Strappe. “The Sanford is twice as large, and the term is already pretty much universally associated with joblessness.”

But critics of the new measure argue that the Sanford is not stable enough to be a viable metric unit, increasing by over a hundred millisanfords over the last three years as the Palmetto State achieved the fourth-highest jobless rate in the U.S.

“I think whatever metric we use should be constant, like the meter or the kilogram,” said USC economics professor Kerry O’Keebar. “Of course, it should still be called the Sanford - that’s been economist lingo for unemployment for a couple years now.”

Sanford has mixed feelings about having a metric unit named after him, but has already introduced the new term into his vocabulary.

“People keep focusing on the bad news, like our 48th-ranked joblessness,” said Sanford. “The fact is, South Carolina is only one Sanford above the national average, which is a sign of a bustling, smoking, surging economy. It’s positively smoburkling.”

The conference voted against other proposed metric units named for Palmetto State politicos. The Folks, the proposed unit of force required to kick open a front door, and the John-Gram, a measure of foot-to-mouth ratio, were dismissed as superfluous.

But for some Sandlappers, one metric unit with South Carolina roots is enough.

“Before the Sanford, my favorite namesake metric unit was the Joule,” said Halle N. Dett, a third-year mechanical engineering student at USC. “After the Sanford, my favorite namesake metric unit is still the Joule.”

Next week they'll have "two gazillion"

'The imagination is the limit'
It seems as if SCRG just keeps growing and growing…

From The State, 5/11/06 (“Tax credit group on notice,” Aaron Gould Sheinin):

“It’s laughable. If (Cotty) wants to claim that our 2,000 grass-roots supporters are not South Carolinians, that’s his right. But I think they will take great offense at that.”

Merrill declined, however, to provide a list of supporters.

And from The Greenville News, 5/20/06 (“Free speech trumps [our out-of-state funding],” Dennis Sinned):

Randy Page serves as president of South Carolinians for Responsible Government, a statewide grassroots organization of over 200,000 citizens, who support limited government, lower taxes and increased educational options.

2,000 - no, wait! - 200,000 citizens? Isn’t that like 5% of the state? If SCRG keeps multiplying like this, they're gonna put their fictitious "grass roots" letter-to-the-editor writers and non-fictitious out-of-state bankrollers out of business.

Gervais says, get real. It's bad enough to show no regard for state ethics laws, but for goodness sake, show a little respect for reality.

Hite’s Bar-B.Q.: Take a left where the Wal-Mart used to be…

My cousin once pointed out to me that you can tell how zealous we Sandlappers are about our past based on how much we give directions using landmarks that no longer exist. He said the most famous example is, “Take a left where the Wal-Mart used to be.”

I thought it was a keen observation, and I’ve been guilty of using defunct landmarks on occasion myself. Most recently, it was to tell someone about Hite’s Bar-B.Q. in West Columbia. That’s where Hannah Jane and I picked up the food for our family picnic on Friday.

Hite’s has been serving up barbecue for almost 50 years now. It’s located on Dreher Road, behind the old West Columbia Wal-Mart, and is only open on Fridays and Saturdays. Using landmarks that still exist, it’s somewhere between the airport and the Triangle City Zesto's.

The folks at Hite’s are friendly, and even took Gervais back to the pit where they smoke the meat. They explained that while working two days a week seems like a relaxing way to live, that isn’t really the case. Not when you spend at least a full day, sometimes two, chopping your own wood.

Another day is spent cleaning and buying supplies for the week, and the cooking actually commences the night before. In other words, as the guys in the pit explained, “If we were open three days a week, we’d have to work six days a week.”

So does all that effort make the barbecue any better? Absolutely.

The barbecue pork is the ultimate in mustard-based ‘cue, and we enjoyed it at a nearby park in Springdale (R- Joe Wilson). In addition to three barbecue sandwiches smothered in homemade sauce, we shared a pint of hash & rice and a pint of what Hannah Jane called “hella good” cole slaw. These homemade side items were excellent on their own, but were even better mixed.

The whole picnic was about $13 (the sizeable sandwiches were only $3 each!) an unbelievably good deal for such high-caliber, authentic Southern fare.

Gervais says, I haven’t had Hite’s this good since I was a kid, stopping for the occasional milkshake in Lexington at the intersection of Main Street and Highway 378.

You know... where the Hite’s Dairy Bar used to be.

Magnum dopus

Pig-Latin
A couple of commenters pointed out this WLTX item, which was also covered by The State over the weekend.

It’s your standard “white supremacist Latin teacher” story, this time at Brookland-Cayce High School in Lexington 2. Because, let’s face it: you can’t seriously study the mother of all Romance languages without occasionally veering off towards John C. Calhoun's support of slavery.

He calls himself “Dr.” Winston McCuen, presumably to recognize the doctoring of his job application, on which he lied about never being fired. But McCuen was fired - from St. Joseph’s, a Catholic school up in Greenville - for refusing to take down the Confederate battle flag from his classroom.

And, like most folks who were never hugged as children, Dr. Winston is a staunch proponent of slavery.

The State did a nice job of providing links to his internet commentary about the pecking order of the races and how his workout regimen gives him the upper hand when the “Brookland Bloods” battle the “Cayce Crips.”

I followed these links to the darkest alleys of the internet and compiled some, but not nearly all, of his asinine comments. So here they are... ad nauseum:

"By the way, I now consider segregationism to be a form of bleeding-heart liberalism. Personally, I am a deportationist. (I have no qualms whatever about using force.)"

"Not a day goes by that I don’t muse, while standing in the hallway between classes suppressing barbaric “student” behavior, how much better this school would be, both academically and socially, without the blacks and the hispanics (most of whom are illegal)."

"Let’s put it this way: One reason I keep a gym membership is to keep my edge in stopping gang fights at school."

"Speaking of broken records: I’m dreaming of a WHITE COUNTRY!!!"

"Actually, I consider racial segregation to be a mere half-measure, with deportation of blacks from America being wiser. Why? For the obvious reason that blacks cannot handle more extensive freedom responsibly."

"So why do we empower ignoramuses? Because democracy and equality have become our idols. We mindless Americans continue to sacrifice all hope of rational government on the altars of these vicious idols."

"There is no apology to be made for black slavery in America. Why should today's whites apologize for the wisdom of their ancestors?"

Gervais says, kudos to St. Joe's and Brookland-Cayce for sending this one on his way. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a shower.

Floating the Hunley

From John Monk's "How senator steers sub under radar":

The Hunley is one of South Carolina’s biggest financial undertakings in modern times. Not counting university expansion projects, the Hunley ranks behind only a few large road and bridge projects. It even exceeds the $62 million State House renovation in the 1990s[...]

Few in state government have any idea of costs of various Hunley projects in the pipeline.

“I don’t have a clue,” Gov. Mark Sanford said last week.

I'll say.

More pandering to bear

Bamboo-zled?
“This is nothing more than election year pandering. Where was Mark Sanford last year following Hurricanes Rita and Katrina? Gas prices in South Carolina were over $3.00 a gallon. He didn’t call for a gas tax suspension then[...]

Election year gimmicks like this cannot cover the fact that four years of Mark Sanford have been a disaster for South Carolina. From jobs to health care to education, Mark Sanford has been a failure."

-- Sen. Brad Hutto (D- Orangeburg)

Few, Folks agree with SCRG platform

Below: Few, Folks
Group ‘not funded from out-of-state,’ believe Few, Folks

B & P News - Columbia

Anti-tax lobbying group South Carolinians for Responsible Government may be plagued by the perception that it is funded by out-of-state interests who oppose public schools, but the group is now finding a handful of supporters within the Palmetto State as well. House candidate Sheri Few and former Sanford spokesman Will Folks are two of the most ardent supporters of the voucher organization.

“SCRG really is a grass-roots organization,” concur Few, Folks. “It sure isn’t just something that was propped up by deep-pocketed public school opponents from God-knows-where.”

Few, Folks also think that SCRG gets a bad rap for sending bogus letters to the editor of a statewide newspaper under the palindromic pseudonym, ‘Dennis Sinned.’

“It is perfectly legitimate to espouse your views by using a conjured up entity like Dennis,” agree Few, Folks. “How else are you supposed to illustrate your vast, grass-roots network that is not funded from out-of-state interests?”

Similar views are held by others, such as Anil Farbetween, president of the SC Indian-American Alliance for Non-public Schoolage. The Alliance recently formed an offshoot of SCRG called the Carolina Indian Government Alliance for Responsibilivouchers (CIGAR).

“The Indian American Alliance - which, like us, is not funded by out-of-state interests - further illustrates our vast network of grass-roots South Carolina support,” said SCRG spokesman Dallas Merrill. “We have bona fide Palmetto State supporters, and they are Few and Farbetween.”

Added Merrill, “Folks, Few, and Farbetween believe that SCRG is getting stronger every day through its vast network of in-state financial support and real, South Carolina values.”

Merrill also cited the support of Columbia law firm Fueher & Fueher, which helps SCRG sue school buses, as yet another sign the group has vast Sandlapper grass-roots.

“Our vast, in-state support includes Fueher & Fueher, Folks, and others who are Few and Farbetween,” said Merrill. "Add to that pretty much every CIGAR Indian in the state, and it's clear that we are a vast grass-roots force to be reckoned with."

Legislators vote on superlatives, sign legislative manuals

Top: Legislators swap legislative manuals
Bottom: The infamous Leventis inscription
Lawmakers honor end-of-session traditions

B & P News - Columbia

The excitement was palpable on State House grounds last week, where lawmakers eagerly anticipate the end of the 2nd session of the 116th General Assembly and the beginning of Summer-Fall Break. One sign of the imminent vacation was a special joint session to vote on superlatives and start the month-long process of legislative manual signing.

“When Mike Fair signs your legislative manual ‘R.H.T.S. – Raise Hell This Summer,’ you know that folks are getting giddy for the session to end,” said Rep. Chip Limehouse, who was voted “Breast All Around” by his peers for his sponsorship of the public breastfeeding bill. “And everyone knows to watch out for Senator Leventis and his patented filibuster inscription.”

Senator Glenn McConnell, voted “Most Likely to Secede” for the fifth year in a row, said he is excited about obtaining signatures in his legislative manual, as he has for over twenty years

“[Rep.] Bobby [Harrell] always has something funny to write,” said McConnell. “Last year, he signed in the crease and wrote, ‘I wanted to be the first one to sign your crack.’ Man, sometimes I wish I was in the other chamber.”

The tradition of signing legislative manuals is as old as the legislative manual itself, and some inscriptions even provide historians insight about the mechanics of the Palmetto State’s legislative body.

“Old, signed legislative manuals can provide obscure details about the nature of legislative alliances, even some across party lines,” said USC history professor Calvin “Cal” Hoone. “But more often than not, the only information you get is who farted in what sub-committee meeting.”

Pundits speculate that this year’s most sought-after inscription will be the farewell message by Rep. John Graham Altman. Altman, who is not seeking re-election, was awarded the distinction of “Very Brightest” by his colleagues.

Dum Spiro Spears-o

Some parents have different views of acceptable risks, [Sanford] said. "It has been proven that it is more dangerous to drive at night or in the rain - are those times when parents should be penalized for taking additional risks with the lives of their children?" Sanford said.

-from the AP's Jim Davenport, "Child safety seat fine veto brings backlash for Sanford"

New Game: Tom Cruise or Henry Jordan?

On the heels of the highly successful “Who said it - Federal Agency or Sanford Appointee?”, Barbecue & Politics presents a fun new brainbuster: "Who said it – Tom Cruise or candidate for Lt. Governor Henry Jordan? "

The rules? Well, they’re simple. Given a quote, you the reader must ascertain whether the remark should be attributed to actor Tom Cruise or candidate for Lt. Governor Henry Jordan. Remember to keep track of your score…Here goes!

Who said it…Henry Jordan or Tom Cruise?

1. "Some people, well, if they don't like Scientology, well, then, f--- you. Really. F--- you. Period."

2. "Screw the Buddhists and kill the Muslims."

3. "When you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that."

4. “There is no science to support trans-species changes, in other words a monkey becoming a man.”

5. "SAT scores have gone right down the toilet. The parents are blaming the teachers, the teachers are blaming the parents and the psychs are putting everyone on drugs."

6. "It is painfully obvious that our state's public school system is failing our children. The reason: it is being run for the benefit of a centralized education bureaucracy and its hidden social agenda."

7. "I have a need…a need for speed."

Answers:

1. Tom Cruise
2. Henry Jordan
3. Tom Cruise
4. Henry Jordan
5. Tom Cruise
6. Henry Jordan
7. Trick question - Andre Bauer

How did you do?

6-7 correct: Super job -- but don’t get a big head, Maverick. Tom Cruise is crazy, so naturally his quotes will differ greatly from someone like Henry Jordan, who is not.

4-5 correct: Show me the money… you have a knack for distinguishing between the narrow, suspicious perspective of actor Tom Cruise and the mainstream worldview of candidate Henry Jordan.

2-3 correct: You could have done better with your eyes wide shut. Remember: if the quote is a little crazy, it was Tom Cruise who said it; if the quote is normal, it was Jordan.

0-1 correct: Tying your shoes must be a mission impossible. How can you not tell the quotes of ordinary Henry Jordan and wacky Tom Cruise apart? Tom Cruise is clearly nuts - unlike Henry Jordan, who isn't.

Dildo lobby opposes sex toy ban

Below: Rep. Davenport takes
on pervasive dildo threat
Legislator aims to halt “dildofication” of SC

B & P News - Columbia

Long considered a “sleeping giant” in Palmetto State politics, the influential dildo lobby re-emerged last month to oppose a bill introduced by an Upstate legislator, Republican Ralph Davenport. Rep. Davenport’s bill, dubbed “the Bildo” by some members of the General Assembly, aims to ban the sale of sex toys inside state borders.

“The notion that dildos are bad is a huge fallacy,” said dildo proponent Delilah Dover, chairman of the activist group SCRD. “As a dildo insider, I feel that if dildos are criminalized, only criminals will have dildos.”

But Davenport, of Boiling Springs, says the sale of sex toys contributes to the moral delinquency of the state. He says he is not intimidated by the high-profile dildo lobby, or “dildo establishment.”

“This is about more than sex toys. It’s about the dildofication of South Carolina,” said Davenport. “Veiny or smooth, double-ended or strap-on, vibrating or conventional - no dildo will be above this law.”

Some analysts agree with the dildo lobby that banning the sale of sex toys, like the dildo, could have dire economic consequences for the Palmetto State.

“If this bill passes, expect to see South Carolinians purchase large quantities of Georgia and North Carolina dildos,” said USC economics professor Dylan Dougherty. “It seems to be a better deal to dole out our dollars on domestic dildos.”

The bill is expected to be discretely filed underneath some clothes in a State House chest-of-drawers until next session, thanks to lobbying efforts by SCRD. But Governor Sanford says if "the Bildo" somehow reaches his desk this session, he will treat it as any other legislation and veto it.

“I’ve always espoused a more limited government, and a limited government doesn’t mess with the hardworking dildos of taxpayers,” said Sanford. “I mean, the dildos of hardworking taxpayers.”

Making heads or tails of unemployment

Statistic of the day:

Number of SC counties whose non-seasonally adjusted unemployment rate lowered in March 2006: 46

Number of SC counties whose non-seasonally adjusted unemployment rate lowered in March 2005: 46

"A drop in unemployment rate for every county in the state is one more sign that we're moving in the right direction with respect to our economy." - Mark Sanford

Just like it was last year, right?

The fact is, SC's unemployment rate went up in March, because fewer jobs were gained than usual for the month. So either Sanford doesn't understand the process/purpose of seasonal adjustment, or he's trying to pull a fast one on taxpaying voters. I wonder which one it is...

Porky D's

I recently got “served” on Two Notch Road.

You heard me. This weekend the Bridges family loaded up the wagon and headed out to the “other Two Notch” - Two Notch Road in Lexington - to try a new barbecue joint called Porky D’s. Actually, new isn’t the best word for it.

The D stands for “Dooley,” a Lexington name if I ever heard one, and Porky D’s has been in business a long time, selling carry-out smoked barbecue that Mama would bring by the house on Saturdays. Now Porky D’s is an eat-in restaurant too, but still has only weekend hours.

I’ll start by saying the decorating leaves a little to be desired. There are roses on every table (yellow, orange, and pink ones) and there are porcelain pigs lined up on shelves on the wall.

But what Porky D’s lacks in ambience, it makes up for in righteous barbecue and great prices. My plate (pictured) was only $5.99 and scored a perfect 10 in taste. Next time, though, I’m getting the ribs. Hannah Jane gave me one of hers and it was phenomenal.

HJ, Petunia, and I finished off our meal by splitting a piece of chocolate-iced pound cake three ways for dessert, which made me glad Gervais Jr. doesn't yet have a tooth in his whole head.

Try the ribs and barbecue at Porky D’s, just barely on the Columbia side of I-20. It's definitely worth the trip. Gervais says, you won’t regret getting Dooley served.

Nothing but steers and Libertarians...

...and I don't see any horns on him.

Statistic of the day:

Sanford's first quarter contributions from Greenville County, SC: $52,675

Sanford's first quarter contributions from Dallas County, TX: $53,500

Fries with that Whopper?

"I'm gonna order the kid's meal
when I become a real boy."
From Jim Davenport’s Friday AP story about SC’s unemployment rate, which is higher than when Sanford took office, despite an impressive 1% drop nationally during the same period:

"There continues to be more people working in South Carolina than ever before […]" Sanford said.

But from Jim DuPlessis’s article in The State on the same topic:

The state had 1,898,300 nonfarm jobs in March, only 2,200 jobs shy of its 1,900,500 jobs record set in June 2000.

All this leads me to just one conclusion: Jim DuPlessis is a dirty liar.

I got my eye on you, DuPlessis.

Sanford-ravaged

Below: Sanford gives SC a deep, dark tan
Today's good news: Katrina-ravaged Mississippi, Ford-ravaged Michigan, and Global Warming-ravaged(?) Alaska have worse unemployment than SC.

Today’s bad news: Only these three states have worse unemployment than SC.

Sanford campaign's blame: "the liberal Democrats" and "their plans to increase spending and raise costs for small businesses." (AP)

Joblessnessfulness, revisited

In honor of the March unemployment numbers coming out this Friday, and my general unwillingness to come up with anything new, I thought I’d pull a few winter leftovers from the B&P freezer… Enjoy!

Sanford abruptly creates Department of Unemployment Control, names Tenenbaum as head
Below left: Governor Sanford. Below right: New
Director of Unemployment Control Inez Tenenbaum
‘I'm disappointed in her performance so far,’ says Sanford of new unemployment czar

B & P News - Columbia

In a surprise announcement Friday, Governor Mark Sanford created a new government agency, the Department of Unemployment Control, and named current Education Superintendent Inez Tenenbaum as its director. He then blasted Tenenbaum for South Carolina's soaring 6.9% unemployment rate.

"Third from the bottom is just unsatisfactory," Sanford said at a press conference Friday morning, three days after October unemployment figures were released. "Tenenbaum is not getting the job done. I'm disappointed in her performance so far."

GOP chairman Katon Dawson echoed the governor's sentiments. "The state's economic situation is horrid, and taxpayers need to be able to hold someone accountable," said Dawson. "That person is obviously Inez Tenenbaum, head of the Department of Unemployment Control."

Tenenbaum was surprised to read criticism about her performance in her new position in the newspapers Saturday morning. "Aren't these the October statistics?" she asked. "How could I... Oh [expletive deleted] this [expletive deleted]."

Asked about the timing of the new department, a Sanford spokesman said that "it had been part of his government restructuring plan" all along. "Don't let the Tenenbaum 'Unemployment Establishment' fool you," said press secretary Joel Sawyer. "They've had hours to fix the unemployment problem. The buck has to stop somewhere. That somewhere is Inez Tenenbaum."

This is the third new department Sanford has established this year. In August, he created the state Credit Rating Department and named Democratic Senator John Land as director. Earlier this month, he created the Department of Prison Escapees at the request of political ally and Department of Corrections director Jon Ozmint. To lead that department, Sanford appointed Newberry physician Oscar Lovelace.

Title loan to get SC through holidays
Below: Governor Mark Sanford and Treasurer
Grady Patterson obtaining title loan
Loss of AAA credit rating forces state to pursue alternate lenders

B & P News - West Columbia

South Carolinians got more economic bad news Tuesday, when top officials used the title to the state as collateral for a high-interest loan.

"The good news is that losing our Standard & Poor's AAA credit rating hasn't altogether stopped us from being able to borrow," said Governor Mark Sanford, outside the Paycheck Advance store on Highway 1. "The bad news is that if we default our state will be owned by this guy named Hector."

State Treasurer Grady Patterson, when asked about the title to the state about an hour after the transaction, replied only, "The Palmetto State," then farted loudly.

While some Democrats pointed to the title loan as evidence of another Sanford failure, USC Economics professor Jebediah Tweed applauded the move.

"I think the fact that the governor is supporting small businesses is great," said Tweed. "The very proliferation of these outlets is a testament to the governor's small business initiatives. I can't think of a better indicator of a healthy economy than a payday loan shop on every corner."

Cayce resident Hector Rumph, owner of Paycheck Advance, would not disclose the amount of the loan.

"I don't like to disclose personal information, such as loan amounts and interest rates," said Rumph. "Let's just say, South Hector-lina gets kind of hot in the summer, if you know what I mean."

Ford, Sanford merge to form unemployment juggernaut
Below: Governor tells a SanFord™ employee
to clean out his locker
Analysts call SanFord™ a potential ‘unemploymonopoly’

B & P News – Dearborn, Michigan

In a business deal that could reshape the unemployment industry, unemployment leader Ford Motor Company announced its merger with unemployment powerhouse Mark Sanford LLC, to form what may be the single largest unemployment provider in the country.

“We’ve had our eyes on unemployment bastion Mark Sanford LLC for a long time,” said Ford spokesman Roland Lemmon. “With his unemployment savvy on our side, SanFord™ can take unemployment to a whole new level.”

The merger was announced Tuesday morning, to coincide with Ford’s obliteration of a quarter of its workforce and the release of Sanford’s latest, comparable unemployment numbers. Sanford subsidiary “South Carolina” recently overtook rival Louisiana to post a solid 49th place finish in state unemployment rankings for December 2005.

“We simply out-underperformed them,” said Sanford via closed-circuit television at the merger announcement. “Let this be a lesson to any would-be challengers: SanFord™ will not be outdone in joblessnessfulness.”

According to some analysts, the Ford/Sanford merger could mean trouble for small unemployers.

“What we’re dealing with here is the Wal-Mart of joblessness, a vortex that consumes all employment in its path,” said USC economics professor Adam Smythe. “Expect to see small unemployers driven out of business as SanFord™ establishes its unemploymonopoly.”

Po' Pigs... a family affair

Petunia, pudding, Pee Dee Pepper.

Po' Pigs Bo-B-Q on Knox Abbott Drive gets better every time I visit, and is fast becoming one of my favorite buffets.

Tonight Mama treated Hannah Jane, the kids and me to some great barbecue, served up Po' Pigs style. As usual, they had good-time music playing in the kitchen, clean high-chairs at the ready, four varieties of Sandlapper sauces, and they came correct with variety of sides: squash casserole, creamed corn, okra & tomatoes, baked beans, green beans, rutebaga, cuke/vidalia/tomato salad, potato salad -- not to mention your basics like pulled pork, fried chicken, hash & rice, and cole slaw. All this, and never a line... there's even a drive-thru.

Petunia, with 14 teeth in her whole head, loves the barbecue, and has an affinity for the banana pudding that rivals my brother's prom date. Gervais Jr. doesn't quite have the wherewithal for solid food yet, but I could tell he wanted me to fasten the nipple of his bottle to the top of the Orangeburg Sweet sauce.

And here's a throw-away fact for you: the word cole slaw (also spelled without the space) comes from the Dutch "koolsla." Kool means "cabbage," and is rooted in the Latin caulis, and sla is shortened from the French salade, meaning "salad." Cabbage salad...who knew?

Gervais says, next time you get the hankerin' for good 'cue and decent koolsla, stop by Po' Pigs Bo-B-Q -- and put some Dutch on your fork.

Sanford becomes SC’s chief export

Exporting 40% of candidacy to out-of-state interests 'crucial to trade balance,' says governor

B & P News - Columbia

With 2006 out-of-state contributions reaching a staggering 40%, the gubernatorial candidacy of Mark Sanford has become the hottest commodity sold across South Carolina’s borders, according to a report released Tuesday by the Department of Commerce.

The report, a joint effort with the State Ethics Commission, says Sanford’s candidacy has outpaced even time-honored exports like vehicles, wood-pulp, and cotton to earn the coveted title of “the Palmetto State’s chief export.”

“The folks buying Mark Sanford’s candidacy are people with pockets that are deep, especially compared to their familiarity with the state of South Carolina,” said Commerce Secretary Joe Taylor. “Many of these folks are sending their checks to Charlotte.”

Taylor said the major markets for the purchase of Mark Sanford’s candidacy include New York City and Dallas, where investors find the Sanford price tag of $3500 to be an “irresistibly good deal.” But the report also shows growth in Sanford exports to areas other than the well-known hotbeds of Sanford candidacy investment.

“I purchase some Sanford each quarter, for the good of the state,” said Arlo Wagess, an Alabama worker supporting the new Airbus facility in Mobile. “Not your unemployed-ass state. My state.”

Sanford was pleased by the news, telling reporters that vigorous exporting plays an important role in maintaining the state’s trade balance. He said the export of 40% of his candidacy to out-of-state interests is crucial to that balance, and offsets major imports like milk and rampant joblessness.

“I couldn’t be happier that my candidacy is South Carolina’s leading export, especially since the word ‘leading’ is finally being used to describe me,” said the candidate. “That being said, I pledge if re-elected to give South Carolinians 110% of the remaining 60% of my political focus.”

Ethics Reports, Pt. 1: Sanford, Floyd take plastic

Thankfully, even though SC boasts a 43rd national ranking in wages, that doesn’t mean our companies are too strapped to make high-dollar political donations in lieu of Christmas bonuses. Take Dispoz-O Products of Fountain Inn, which sent gubernatorial candidate Mark Sanford a fat $2500 check towards his re-election campaign, according to today's Ethics Commission reports.

Never heard of “Dispoz-o” before?

Of course you have. Dispoz-o is the synthetic cutlery company that (Sanford appointee to the EOC) Karen Iacovelli calls home when she’s not pledging, “I proclaim publicly that I favor ending government involvement in education.”

Dispoz-o made the contribution just a couple weeks before meddlesome bloggers revealed Iacovelli’s ties with the Alliance for Separation of School & State. Her stint on the EOC only lasted a few days longer. (Health reasons.)

I know, I know…a public school hater donates to Sanford – yawn. Not exactly “man bites dog” as far as news goes. Like Sunny Philips says: “No real surprises in Sanford’s filings.”

Sunny's name, I couldn't help but notice, shows up a few times on Sanford’s filing. She's eager to point out that a "whopping" 30% of Republican Oscar Lovelace’s donations come from “doctors, spouses of doctors, medical suppliers, pharmacies, and other medical related services,” but inadvertently omits the fact that nearly 40% of Sanford’s 1Q contributions are from out-of-state. Honest mistake.

But I digress. On the off-chance that Sunny would leave this stone unturned in her "comprehensive review" of the filings, I decided to see if Dispoz-avelli had donated to anyone else this election cycle.

What I found out surprised me a little. Iaco-spozo also donated $2500 to Supt. of Education candidate Karen Floyd last quarter. Gervais says, when an avowed opponent of public schools pledges her support to a candidate who wants to lead our public schools, that makes me a little nervous.

Of course, I'll be the first to admit it is possible that Floyd got $2500 from Iacovelli because her views on education are so closely aligned with those of the plastic utensil industry.

And maybe Sanford got $2000 from Iacovelli because of the super job he's doing with the economy.


Update: Crunchy Republican's filings review now says, "As usual, [Sanford] does have some out-of-state support, but not enough to be eye-popping" instead of "no real surprises." Thanks for the update, Sunny!

Update 2: In the comments, Sunny questions Gervais's public-school figgerin' of Sanford's nearly 40% out-of-state contributions, claiming it's actually 16%. Let me illustrate my complex methodology:

1. Geography-in': Identify those contributions that came from somewhere besides "SC," which I believe is the postal abbreviation for the Palmetto State.

2. Readin': Peruse the filing for the information.

Itemized Out-of-State Contributions: $276,000
Total Contributions: $781,400
Minus 'Contributions' from Bank Interest: -$75,000

3. Mathin': Divide $276,000 by $706,400: 39%

Of course, this assumes none of Sanford's unitemized contributions are from out-of-state, and has nothing to do with the point of my post: candidates for Governor and Education Superintendant have the financial backing of an outspoken opponent of public schools.

Sanford classifies state unemployment figures

Below: Sanford, with sealed unemployment numbers
Governor cites executive order, says leaks could be dangerous to state

B & P News - Columbia

Citing an obscure gubernatorial declaration known as Executive Order #48-2006, Governor Mark Sanford yesterday assigned a “confidential” status to all South Carolina unemployment figures.

“The Bureau of Labor Statistics is like the CIA of joblessness, and it’s important that we don’t let this sensitive, top secret information get into the wrong hands,” said the Governor in a press conference. “Specifically, the hands of national news magazines and impressionable registered voters.”

The Governor’s Office said too much dangerous intelligence has already been leaked to the press, such as the state’s recent 48th national unemployment ranking and 43rd national wage ranking. From now on, the office says it will process raw economic data into a more useable, less sensitive format for the general public.

“We’ve developed an Unemployment Alert System to help keep the public informed,” said spokesman Joel Sawyer. “For instance, right now we’re in the 0-20% band, or ‘okey-dokey’ region. That’s pretty much all you need to know.”

Officials agree that raw unemployment data could be dangerous if disseminated without first being vetted for top secret information. One top analyst believes unemployment and wage rate leaks compromise what is otherwise "one helluva economy."

“I work tirelessly to make sure people have jobs in this state,” said Board of Economic Advisors chairman John "Scooter" Rainey. “Right now, I’m focusing on one particular person’s job, and these unemployment rate leaks aren’t helping.”

Sources say the unemployment figures could be declassified by Sanford as early as this year, with dates such as June 14th and November 8th being considered.

New game: "Federal agency or Sanford appointee?"

Here’s a fun new game called “Federal agency or Sanford appointee?”, where Gervais gives you economics news and it's up to you, the reader, to determine the source of the news: either a federal agency or a Sanford appointee.

To make it easy, we'll stick with news items from the last eight days. Make sure you don’t peek at the answers - you will be graded.

Here goes... Who said it - a federal agency or a Sanford appointee?

1. “SC 48th in nation in unemployment”

2. “The South Carolina Economy has a Great Story to Tell”

3. “SC 43rd in nation in per capita income”

4. “Legislation obscures strong economy in South Carolina”

Answers:

1. Federal Agency (Bureau of Labor Statistics, State Unemployment Summary 3/30/06)
2. Sanford Appointee (Joe Taylor, Greenville News guest column 4/4/06)
3. Federal Agency (Bureau of Economic Analysis, State Personal Income 3/28/06)
4. Sanford Appointee (John Rainey, Greenville News guest column 3/29/06)

How did you do?

4 out of 4: Perfect score! You have a knack for distinguishing the subtle differences between economics news from federal agencies and Sanford appointees.

3 out of 4: Congratulations! It can be tedious trying to separate federal government economics from Sanford appointee economics, but you are up to the task.

2 out of 4: Great effort! Half of the time, you're able to hone in on the slight disparities between the reports of non-Sanford-appointed federal economists and Sanford-appointed officials.

1 out of 4: Don’t be discouraged! The striking similarities make it nearly impossible to distinguish federal agency economics news from Sanford appointee economics news. Here’s a hint: go with your gut.

0 out of 4: Thanks for playing! Remember, it doesn't matter where you rank against the other players; you are strong and you have a story to tell.

SC Buddhist Republicans unanimously condemn Jordan

Ernie Barrow, president and
sole member of SCBR
'Not a single vote of our single vote will go towards his election,' says member

B & P News – Columbia

Anderson physician Henry Jordan’s primary campaign for Lt. Governor faced its first setback today, as the Republican candidate was blasted unanimously by a state GOP organization.

“We unanimously condemn the candidacy of Dr. Jordan,” said Columbia native Ernie Barrow, the president, founder and sole member of the SC Buddhist Republicans. “Not a single vote of our single vote will go towards his election.”

Political analysts say that the non-endorsement is the result of an off-color comment made by Jordan in 1997 while serving on the state’s Board of Education. The candidate was quoted as saying “Screw the Buddhists and kill the Muslims” in his effort to allow the Ten Commandments to be posted in public schools.

“Dr. Jordan’s mouth certainly caused him to lose this precious bloc of vote,” said Furman University political scientist Bo Leggett. “I wouldn’t be surprised if the GOP Muslim Coalition follows suit and casts his vote elsewhere too.”

Jordan, for his part, maintains that his words were misinterpreted.

“I said ‘screw the Buddhists’ in the same fun-loving way you might say ‘screw the pooch’ or ‘screw you, you screwed-up screwball.’ I don’t see the big deal,” said Jordan. “As for the rest, I never said it. I said ‘kill the Mormons.’ It’s totally different.”

SC Buddhist Republicans plans to protest Jordan’s candidacy with an anti-Jordan march next week in Columbia, when the organization plans to carry “one, maybe two signs” during its daily walk around its neighborhood.

Upstate Update: News from the Tomato Belt

As you know if you’ve been with Barbecue & Politics since the get-go, the Tomato Belt has always been a sort of terra incognita for Gervais. Still, the blog managed to get a little ink from the Greenville News this weekend, in Dan Hoover’s Sunday piece called “Bauer's foot puts career on the line":

The state's political blogs are having a field day at Bauer's expense.

One, Barbecue and Politics, reported on fictitious legislative action appropriating $12 million to build an "Andrebahn" where the minimum speed would be 90 mph and only Bauer would be allowed on it.

Thanks for the mention, Mr. Hoover!

Also in Tomato Belt news, an astute commenter pointed out the latest tidbit regarding avowed public education opponent (and Sanford appointee to the Education Oversight Committee) Karen Iacovelli. The upstate businesswoman - who resigned last month for health reasons as meddlesome bloggers discussed her pledge, “I proclaim publicly that I favor ending government involvement in education,” - has resurfaced on the board of the SC Club for Growth. From her bio on the Club’s site:

She currently serves as advisor to United New Yorkers for Choice in Education and is a member of the South Carolina Education Oversight Committee [sic?!].

While I have no doubt Mrs. Iacovelli has Lyme Disease, as reported in The State, nor do I have any misconceptions about the debilitating nature of the disease, I do question the notion that it’s why she resigned from the bi-monthly-meeting EOC. Especially now that she’s bounced back and joined the Club for Growth.

Gervais says, the only tick involved in Iacovelli leaving the Oversight Committee was the ticking of the time bomb she represented for Sanford.

(go to next Iacovelli-related post)

Lastly, Andersonian Henry Jordan has already thrown up a campaign site for his Lt. Gov. candidacy, which features the Christian Wire Service article announcing his candidacy:

He was best known during his tenure on the State Board of Education for his defense of the public display of the Ten Commandments, including the constitutional right of students to post the Ten Commandments on the walls of our public schools.

Finally, a champion of the Constitution.

As I’ve said before - whether you’re a strict constructionist or a loose constructionist, there’s one thing you cannot deny about the Framers of the Constitution: They all thought tomatoes were poisonous.

Maybe they were onto something.

Top Ten Mania!

Not to overstate the obvious, but Top Ten Lists = Sound Campaign Strategy. Mike Campbell takes a crack at it with this press release (WIS-tv):

The Bauer campaign is trying to divert attention from its meltdown by attempting to compare his pattern of inexcusable behavior over several years to one incident in which my staff member was stopped in February. Here are my top ten differences:

1. I am not an elected official.

2. We did not use a police radio with a made up call number to try and intimidate the officer.

3. I have the good sense to have someone drive me to events, particularly at night when I'm tired or have a heavy schedule.

4. My campaign aide who doubled as driver is paid by the campaign, not the taxpayers.

5. He was only driving about half the speed of Mr. Bauer’s 103 mph world land record.

6. I have not sent out apologists demanding that the taxpayers pay $64,000 for someone to drive me around, and will not do so as lieutenant governor.

7. No law enforcement officer has ever had to point a gun at me.

8. My staff member will not be joining the Lt. Governor at Frankie’s Fun Park tonight.

9. He stopped immediately for the officers [sic] blue light and didn’t ask if his camera was running.

10. The incident occurred in dry daylight, not on a rainy Saturday night at 11:45 PM.