Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Sanford backs off "Put Clarence in Charge" bill

Below: A dejected Clarence meets
with Sanford
Governor to pursue watered-down moonbeam legislation instead

B & P News - Bedford Falls

In a surprise move this week, Governor Mark Sanford announced he will no longer fight for the passage of his controversial "Put Clarence in Charge" legislation. The announcement came after a holiday encounter with Clarence, South Carolina's would-be guardian angel under the bill's provisions.

"He was trying to show me what the state would be like if I had never been governor," said Sanford at a press conference. "Unemployment was fine, there was top-down leadership for public schools, and there were no poop stains on the State House carpet... Eventually, I had enough of it. Screw Clarence."

The reversal came as a blow to several lobbying organizations, including Planned Clarencehood and South Carolinians for Responsible Clarence (SCRC).

“Angel Second-Class Clarence Oddbody is just the sort of second-class leadership our organization believes in,” said Randy Potter, director of SCRC, as he scrambled to pen an angry, grass-roots letter to the editor under a pseudonym.

Others were not as disappointed.

"Put Clarence in Charge made about as much sense as a screen door on the Hunley," said gubernatorial candidate Oscar Lovelace, as he checked off a zinger from a book of state-specific one-liners he received for Christmas. "Sanford's retreating like a schoolgirl who just saw the Lizard Man. Hey, this is fun."

Sanford said he will shift his focus to legislation that has a more realistic chance of passing, such as a measure to lasso the moon and pull it down.

"Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see..." said Sanford, wearing oversized football pants that he held up around his waist. "And the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair... am I talking too much?"

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